Messages for Women

Whose Clothes Are You Wearing?

2010-10-18T08:44:00.000-07:00

Do you ever go through times when you dream every night so vividly that you could swear they are real? I recently saw the move “Inception” (which is probably the reason I am remembering my dreams so vividly) and I found the concept of dreaming within different levels of consciousness very intriguing.

Saturday morning I woke up with a graphical drawing in my mind that I could recite with great detail. It had to do with clothes that our parent’s buy for us as babies and then as we go through life we out grow them. This would not be abnormal for a dream since it does seem odd however I knew when I woke that it actually had to do with beliefs and values that we inherit from our parents.

We know that our parents did the best job that they could given the information they had at the time. And we know as parents we are always doing the best we can. The question I have struggled with since waking on Saturday morning is whether I am still trying to squeeze on the clothes (or should I really say beliefs and values) that my parent’s gave me. Since then I can’t help but look at others and notice the clothes they are wearing and then drift off to what that person believes and what they show up valuing day after day and wonder; are they wearing clothes they chose or are they simply the same clothes they were given as infants? Then I start to giggle because I imagine this person struggling wearing VERY small clothing and trying hard to act normal. Then I realize how real this situation is. There are people walking around in too tight of clothing (figuratively speaking). Their human potential is being limited just because they refuse to try different clothes. So what keeps us from trying so hard to hold on to what our parent’s said and did (and possible still do)?

Recently my husband brought home a book on vegetarianism after visiting his father. The book was written in 1950 by a man that was not an expert in vegetarianism. But he was an expert in trans sexualism. But yet since this book was given to my husband from his Dad he felt obligated to bring it home. In today’s world with all the information coming at us from so many direction and with all the knowledge that we continue to gain so rapidly the idea of basing any merit on something like that seems almost ridicules. But it did come from a parent.

Last night I was at a wedding sitting next to a friend and his 4 year old. I sat and watched the dynamics closely. The boy watched Dad’s every move emulating not only verbally but non verbally. It was almost shocking. This helped me understand the true power our parent’s have in our lives regardless if they are dead or alive. And now I am conscious of the control and influence that I have over my own children. Going forward I can commit to making sure that my children understand that it is necessary to always try new clothes on and that what looks good today will be out of style in a very short period of time. They will know that I support their choice in what clothing best fits who they are and best supports them for what their purpose is in life. What suits me does not necessarily suit them.

The last scene in the movie “Inception” did depict this concept. There is an old man lying on his death bed with his son next to his side. His son apologizes for never being good enough and for disappointing his father for not being like him. His father’s last words were, “son I only wanted you to be your own man”.

Make a Mess a Message and Then Become the Messenger

2010-08-02T06:29:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity of a lifetime this past weekend. A dear friend of mine, Manna Ko organized an event to bring together people she wants to help succeed with friends of hers that have reached success. Manna is the most giving sincere loving person I know. She charged $25 for the 2 and a half day seminar. The event was held at a Westin hotel and obviously was a large financial investment on her part. But she was convinced that this was her calling and did not want it to be about money. Manna’s sphere includes a variety of successful people who are giving and loving like her. The seminar was filled with some of these friends that spoke to the group for nothing other then to give us the gift of their wisdom. These are folks that have succeeded beyond what most of us can comprehend (a couple you would recognize). The interesting thing is there was no ego or intimidating energy. Every one of them was convinced that they are no different then anyone in the audience. I have never been to a seminar and felt that the speaker believed in me more then I believe in myself. It was so authentic and so pure. The only explanation I can come up with is that is was a gift from God.

When times are tough people have to share and help each other. I left motivated to give back where ever I can. It reminded me that I have to get out of the victim mode and refocus on my vision to help people as Manna and her friends are doing. Thanks you so much Manna.

In my previous blog entry I wrote about my current challenges with helping my daughter heal from an eating disorder. In the midst of the pain I could not understand how my daughter got into this mess and what my role was in it. During the seminar Manna made a comment that spoke directly to me. She said, “We all get in a mess from time to time and the key is to make the mess into a message and be the messenger”. Reflecting back on the weekend trying to put my head around all the new information that I received the one question that I kept asking myself is why did I not bring my daughter? Clearly the seminar would have touched her heart and given her confidence like it did me. How can I get this information to teenage girls? Teenage girls are bombarded with messages that they are not thin enough and that deathly thin is beautiful. How can I get them to see there is amazing beauty and power within? I am committed to doing what Manna suggested, defining a message and becoming the messenger to teenage girls. The message will help them understand the importance of loving themselves as they are and how nutritional balance can play a role in becoming a powerful self confident young woman that has a future with endless possibilities.

Loving Someone to Life

2010-07-11T20:56:00.000-07:00

My daughter Krista was born September 26, 1995. She was screaming as soon as her head appeared. The doctor said, “Mom you better say something to your daughter to let her know you are here”. Since that day I have poured so much love and energy into my relationship with her. Before she was born I admit I was afraid that I would not have enough love for a second child. I loved my first born so much that it was hard to imagine that there would be enough love for her.

What I came to realize soon after she was born is that I had plenty of love left for her. Over the years Krista has required more attention then my son. It has been a lot of work, however the benefits I have received from the relationship was more then I could have ever imagined. So I continued to give her as much attention as was emotionally and physically possible. We enjoy a lot of the same things and have developed a very special mother daughter bond. This has not gone unnoticed. I have had numerous comments from others on how close we seem; how special that is and how envious they are.

This past year has been full of challenges and serious changes for Krista and our entire family. She started a rigorous private college prep high school and we moved leaving her to meet new friends. She was elected team captain of her volleyball team and ended the year on the highest honor roll. Her father began a serious relationship which for being a “daddy’s girl” was a tough one to handle. She overcame the fear of losing her father to a new woman and made numerous new friendships with kids I would have chosen for her. She has been there to comfort me through struggles that I have had personally. She has made decisions as a 14 year old that at times seems almost unbelievable. To the outside world (including me) all of this success was definitely amazing and had not gone unnoticed.

Krista began losing weight noticeably summer of 2009. She had grown a good 5 inches over that past year and with all the changes that she was going through and the busy schedule; I did not think that it was unusual. Krista continued to lose weight and lost her period by fall of the same year. I had a conversation with my doctor and she indicated that it is common when girls grow that fast that their period will come and go until the growth stabilizes. In March of this year I saw her come out of the shower and I had to hold myself together as not to let her know my breath had been taken from me at the sight. Krista had lost 30 lbs in 15 months. My daughter was literally disappearing before my own eyes.

Reflecting back over the past year I recall numerous times that Krista would ask if I was mad at her, if I still loved her and if I loved her brother more then I love her. At the time I attributed these comments to typical teenage emotional challenges. What I now know is that my love was not enough. Was she born knowing that I was afraid there was not enough love for her? Could she feel that when she was inside me and has she felt that way every day since? How can someone love someone so much but it just makes the other person want to disappear because it’s not enough? Can you love someone to death?

As a family we are committed to loving and supporting Krista. We are getting professional help for her and like everything else she has accomplished she will overcome this challenge and I am confident that she will grow from the experience. This leaves me with the ultimate question that I will struggle with in years to come, how do you love someone to life?

2010-06-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

Someday you will have someone that will love you how you want to be loved. If it was yesterday - learn. If it is tomorrow - hope. If it is today - Cherish.

After I read this for the first time I said to myself, "I guess I am in the "hope" category. The little girl in me went right to my husband and I began to feel sorry for myself. Then I gave it some time and reread it several times. I asked myself whether it was true that no one has loved me the way I want to be loved.

Several people came to mind. As soon as I gave up the thought that this had to mean romantic love my heart filled with joy. Last night I had some friends over and I felt so much love. I am so fortunate to have true friends that love me the way I want to be loved. Maybe a friends love comes first before a lovers? God works in mysterious ways.

The Changing Fabric of the U.S. Family

2010-05-18T07:49:00.000-07:00

A mentor of mine wrote this. It is extremely interesting. What do you think?

The family is the basic foundation of a strong country. Yet, there are some troubling long-term trends that indicate a dramatic change in the structure of the U.S. family.

Let’s consider three major changes in U.S. society.

1. College enrollment in the U.S. in 2010 is now 57% female and 43% male, the largest male gap in history since women were strongly encouraged to live full lives and aspire to careers outside of the home. This represents excellent progress and independence for women. Men have somehow lost their enthusiasm for going to college, hence the 14% gap. At U.S. colleges, women will meet fewer college educated men than in previous decades.

2. In 1960, 3% of all births were to unmarried mothers. In 2009, 42% of all births were to unmarried mothers. In one segment of U.S. society, over 70% of all births were to unmarried mothers. We know very well that it is extremely difficult to raise children as a single mother, work to gain an income, and also provide the time necessary to be a good parent and role model. In general, children thrive best in families with two loving parents with at least one having a good job.

3. About 93% of all U.S. residents in jails and prisons are male. The incarcerated population doubled in thirty years from about 250,000 in 1950 to 500,000 in 1980 (up 250,000). In the next 30 years, by 2010, the incarcerated population increased to about 2,500,000 (up 2,000,000).

The reasons for these trends are extremely complicated!!! However, I will submit an analysis that is one possible explanation. I would hope that many people will come forward with their best analysis and recommendations.

The family is the basic unit of society. It provides for the training of children via role modeling and parenting. It appears that the changes in the sexual mores of U.S. society and the increase in the divorce rate in the last 50 years have weakened the family unit. Boys and men appear to have decreased their sense of responsibility to the raising of children. Good role modeling and parenting has slipped leaving many children with less positive parental guidance.

The lack of family coherence, love and discipline has led some children to not value school, to become involved with drugs, and to sometimes become involved with gangs and criminal behavior. The reasons that boys join gangs appear to be related to a desire to belong and be accepted. The ways to reverse these trends are complicated, but certainly involve the critical importance of effective role modeling and parenting in a loving atmosphere in a family.

All children are copy cats and accept as “truth” and “how life is lived” what they see and hear from their mother and father in the first six years of their life. Parents are the first and most important teachers of every child. First grade teachers can predict with over 90% accuracy, which children will likely graduate from high school. Hence, “Role Modeling and Parenting” training is critical for all twelve year olds, at the time that a girl/woman becomes pregnant, and at the time of the birth of a child. A strong society requires this attention to improving the strength of the fabric of the U.S. family ASAP. Real progress will likely take three generations!!! “Role Modeling and Parenting” can be downloaded FREE from the Home Page of my Futurist website: www.2020and2035.com.

Prepared by: Bill Peter, Consultant/Futurist billpeter@billpeter.net www.2020and2035.com
6650 Vernon Hills Road Edina, MN 55436 952.933.6850

Beauty is Only Skin Deep

2010-05-10T05:15:00.000-07:00

A Mother's Day Message

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes, Because that is the doorway to her heart, The place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, The passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman With time, only grows..

This is why as the years go by I do not feel older. I wish I felt as beautiful as I do today when I was younger. I had no idea what aging was going to be like. But I do know I was afraid. Now I know that it is not to be feared it is to be embraced. Life does teach you that beauty is only skin deep and that the true beauty of life has absolutely nothing to do with your physical body. If you have been as blessed as I have been to have two beautiful smart loving children there is nothing to fear and nothing to regret. Mother's day is a day to reflect on the gifts that God gives women. The gift of birth and the gift of wll that comes with motherly love. Happy Mother's Day.

Miracles and Wisdom

2010-04-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

My friend and mentor wrote this. I just had to share:

As human beings, we have the incredible blessings of a fantastically designed body and brain and the ability to develop a powerful mind within the structure of our brain. It is amazing that a child’s heart starts beating in the womb about three weeks after its conception. What a series of miracles come together to form the life of a new and absolutely unique human being!!

Certainly the mother and father of a new child have no knowledge of how to build a heart, a brain, an arm, a digestion system, an eye, an immune system or any other part or function of a human being!! The miracle of a child’s fantastic creation is a testament to a powerful force in the universe which many call Source, God, or Creator. And miraculously, every new and unique child has a very complex genome system. We now know that 99.9% of all human genomes are identical for all human beings who have ever been born anywhere on planet earth. All humans are FAMILY if we mean by FAMILY having a tremendous amount in common, at least at the structural genome level.

A child’s brain weighs about three-quarters of a pound at birth and reaches a maximum weight of about three pounds at age twelve. Fully 17% of all of the billions of neurons in a child’s brain are connected at birth (by NATURE). Therefore, by NURTURE, the remaining 83% of all of the billions of neuron connections are formed over the lifetime of the child. The fastest rate of growth of the neuron connections occurs from birth to five years old, the most critical period of NURTURE. Additional neuron connections occur throughout a person’s lifetime. The pre-frontal cortex of the brain is the section which controls wise decision-making skills is far from fully developed at age twelve, as parents of teens can well attest. At the present, medical research has found that humans are capable of building new neuron connections in their brains throughout their lives.

A human being’s mind is developed within the brain and contains facts, information, experiences, knowledge, memories, fears, confidence, human-to-human relationship skills, fantasies, creativity, imagination, and so on. Parents, the child’s first teachers in the first five years of their lives, have a fantastic influence on the early development of a child’s mind. Children are copycats, and therefore they learn incredibly from the good and bad examples of their role models - their parents. Parenting is a very great honor and a very great responsibility.

Researchers have found that the most critical variable that determines a child’s success in school is not their intelligence at age six, but rather their self-discipline and self-control. Self-control is a skill generally learned in the first five years of life with the help of calm, loving and nurturing parents. Children depend on the role modeling and parenting that they receive from their parents, especially the NURTURE in their first five years of life.

The major milestones in a successful life are: a) learning to love and be loved, b) learning self-control and good behavior, c) learning kindness and respect for others, d) learning to listen, speak, read, write, think analytically, and think creatively, e) graduating from high school, f) deciding on a career path, g) going to college, h) getting a good job, i) getting married, and then j) having children with two loving parents raising them.
(A single parent has an extremely challenging role in life for the adult and the child. Therefore, great care should be taken in the decision making about sexual activity in the child-bearing years. If a child is conceived and only one parent is willing to raise him or her, adoption by a married couple should be seriously considered.)

Our heart, brain and entire bodies are truly miracles!! As human beings we are truly blessed. Then, throughout our lives from babies, to toddlers, to children, to teens, to adults, to parents, and to seniors, we are nurturing ourselves and being nurtured to seek WISDOM. WISDOM MESSAGES are the powerful lessons that we learn in the inevitable ups and downs of life and that we choose to apply to the way we live the rest of our life. Positive and negative experiences in life, once reflected upon, can help us to define the WISDOM MESSAGES that we choose to be our self-talk and our decision-making guide for the rest of our life.

The human use of human beings is in our WISDOM MESSAGES. Wisdom has two components: “Human-to-Human Relationships” and “Imagination”. No machine or computer can teach us about the power of positive human relationships. We need to experience and cherish love, kindness, respect, compassion, friendship, companionship, and so on. Having a goal of cherishing and nurturing our human-to-human relationships, leads to valuable personal WISDOM MESSAGES.

Imagination is another source of human wisdom. Imagination is developed in the brain and becomes part of our mind, our total human understanding of facts, information, intelligence and wisdom. “Human Imagination”, Albert Einstein stated, “is even more powerful than Human Intelligence.” New principles of human relationships, new technologies, new managerial methods for organizations – all imaginative new approaches to living a useful life on earth, come from our own imagination and from learning from the imagination/creativity/fantasy experiences of other humans.

Miracles and Wisdom are our legacy from our Creator. We are certainly blessed, and then we create our future by our free will and choices. Parents, as the first teachers of a child, greatly help their children develop self-discipline and self-control. Parents’ three most precious gifts to their children are Time, Unconditional Love and the Love of Lifelong Learning.

Prepared by: Bill Peter, Consultant/Futurist billpeter@billpeter.net www.2020and2035.com
6650 Vernon Hills Road Edina, MN 55436 952.933.6850

Can Change Every Truly be Involuntary?

2010-04-19T05:57:00.000-07:00

Can Change Ever Truly be Involuntary?

This past week I voluntarily resigned from a role of sitting on a board of directors that I put my heart and soul into for the past two and a half years. I had accepted it full heartedly and since the real estate market has been slow I was able to dedicate all the time I needed. It was tough being part of a democratic process that was hit with major decision to make like cutting cost which included letting go of valuable employees and initiatives that had been services provided for many years. These decisions were not easy to except or meant to make anyone popular. Although it was stressful I learned a lot and was truly grateful for the opportunity to have such a learning experience.

Like most democratic processes things can get political. Voting is to be an individuals right and respected regardless of the particular side you vote. But we are human and what is suppose to be a right can often be judged especially under times of emotional stress and financial pressure.

If someone would have told me six months ago that I would eventually resign before the end of my term I would never have believed it. One thing led to another and I became a target by the current person in charge of the board and before I knew it I was backed into a corner that made me feel like I had no choice. Even though I was the second person to be bullied and intimidated this year and I knew that this was his tactic of choice I felt like I had no choice. Or did I?

I took a week of serious reflection and prayer to find the right answer and in my heart I realized that it may feel like I was pushed into resigning, but I eventually realized that it was God’s way of telling me to “wake up and smell the roses”. And after I had come to the conclusion that I would resign I began to realize that there had been other signs. I had felt uncomfortable for many months watching others go through something similar but did not listen to my intuition. I had been in denial.

Like I often do I went to my database of messages from all of you and found the answer in this message:

The Five Things We Cannot Change
Everything changes and ends.
Things do not always go according to plan.
Life is not always fair.
Pain is part of life.
People are not loving and loyal all of the time
..and it's ok!

I then wrote the most amazing eloquent professional resignation. And it was voluntary and felt like a ten pound weight had been lifted. My feelings of having to involuntary resign became a voluntary life changing event.

Challenging things that happen in life are not obstacles they are avenues for change.

Accept What Exists or Have the Courage to Change it

2010-04-04T19:08:00.000-07:00

I was reflecting on the following submission for Messages For Women and was thinking about all the political rhetoric that is going on.

Comments: The human race is so lost that they do not realize that freedom comes from within and is a process. We are always looking at it externally fighting for control. Look inside and trust God and the process.

Everywhere we are hearing one political party blaming the other for taking their rights as American citizens away. I was thinking about our responsibility as American citizens is during times of political struggle for control. To me you either accept what exists or have the courage to take responsibility in making change. I was thinking about what I should do and I got this great email from my friend and mentor, Bill Peter. Below is Bill's call to all American citizens. Thanks Bill.

It is time to call all American citizens “Americans”

All humans on earth are related and have common ancestors. History is clear that the species we call human beings have a common heritage. As we trace back our family tree, we find that we are related to people from all parts of our country and other countries around the world. DNA studies and human genome studies have shown that all 6.7 billion plus human beings on earth today have 99.99% of the same genes; we are much more alike than different. All human beings are all “family” in the true meaning of the word.

In the United States, it is time to call all American citizens “Americans”.
Suppose in the U.S. census in 2010, a woman with a mother of Chinese heritage and a father of Irish heritage is asked to categorize herself for the census taker. Does she check the Caucasian box, the Asian box, both, or what? I submit that this is reality, and it is wrong to ask questions that require a person to “label himself or herself” by race, ethnic background, or the country of birth of ones ancestors.

When we become American citizens, by birth or the process of study and testing to become an American, we are “Americans”. Tiger Woods was praised as the first African-American to win the Masters golf tournament. Over time, he politely pointed out that his heritage was Caucasian, Black, Asian, and American Indian. Do we need rules on what percentage of each race or ethnic background a person is? Of course not, just eliminate the offensive labeling questions from the 2010 U.S. Census and all census taking in the future. Reasonable questions include: Are you a U.S. citizen, or not? If not, what country are you a citizen of? In what country were you born? The Census should help us to identify everyone who is in the United States. However, we should eliminate all questions about race and ethnic background of U.S citizens.

The United States is the most diverse of all cultures in the world with respect to race and ethnic culture heritage. All American citizens are “Americans” and should all be called “Americans”. The press, all the media, all politicians, all laws, all organizations, everything, should refer to American citizens as “Americans”. Freedom of the press is not useful to divide us, instead of unite us. Labeling groups of Americans implies that some ethnic groups are more or less important than others -- not a good idea for a melting-pot country.

I was born in Brooklyn, New York, and Jackie Robinson was one of my heroes when he joined the Brooklyn Dodgers to play baseball in 1947. (I was 12 years old, and baseball was an important part of my life). I learned to copy Jackie’s technique of standing at bat and tapping his right thigh with his right hand several times before each pitch. I was told by the radio announcers that Jackie was so good at stealing bases because he ran pigeon-toed, which made him run faster. (He had been a track star at college). So, as a youngster following his role model, I tried to run faster by running pigeon-toed. I loved how enthusiastic Jackie Robinson was about baseball, and when my dad brought me to Ebbetts Field to see the Dodgers play, Jackie was the one I cheered for the most. Why? Because he was a great ball player! It was not a plus or a minus to me that his skin was black and mine was white. Martin Luther King said, “I have a dream that one day my children will be evaluated not by the color of their skin but by the quality of their character.” He fought and died for the U. S. to become a color-blind society.

General Colin Powell tells the story of being complimented by a superior officer that he was “the best black Lieutenant in the Army”. General Powell preferred to have been praised for being the best Lieutenant, independent of his skin color. No one says Michael Jordon was the best black basketball player of all time; we just say he was the best.

In 2010, as we take the next census of American citizens, we should not ask questions about ethnic or racial heritage. Such questions are demeaning, inaccurate and not worthy of the standards of ethics of our country. The census should not perpetuate the racism mistakes of the past. We are all Americans and should be proud to drop all other race or ethnic heritage labels in our pursuit of true tolerance and respect for everyone’s human dignity.

This is the United States: we are “Americans.”
Do you share this view? Let your voice be heard!!

Prepared by: Bill Peter, Consultant/Futurist billpeter@billpeter.net www.2020and2035.com
6650 Vernon Hills Road Edina, MN 55436 952.933.6850

The Antidote to Exhaustion is Full Heartedness

2010-03-22T04:58:00.000-07:00

The closer you get to the fullest expression of yourself the more time and energy you can spend protecting and helping others. The first time I read this statement I tensed up. The voice in my head said, “great you already do so much for others and in finding me I get to give even more”. Just thinking about it made me exhausted. Then I read it again and thought what does it mean to be in the fullest expression of yourself and how would it feel? It would feel natural and authentic. It would feel as if there was no resistant and very productive. There would be no time spent in worry and fear. After a bit more reflection I started to put together the perfect vision.

I am working as an entrepreneur using real estate as a vehicle to accomplish my goal of serving others. Any events that come into my life that are a negative frequency of energy roll off like food on a non stick pan. And all the positive connections quickly are recognized and serve me. My capacity is enlarged. I am now serving others in all that I do full heartedly. Seeing this vision does not bring feelings of exhaustion but feelings of complete bliss, its heaven on earth. This is how amazing women like Oprah do it. This is how Mother Theresa connected with so many people changing the world as she encountered it. The antidote to exhaustion is full heartedness.

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

2010-03-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

A week ago I was fortunate to get a chance to attend my son’s ultimate Frisbee tournament in San Francisco. I was so excited however felt somewhat awkward since I was by myself. It was interesting to be a spectator when what I really wanted to do is be a dotting Mom. It was very difficult to be there for him but yet let him be with his college friends and do the normal things he would if I had not been there. I wanted to make sure he knew I loved him and I wanted to take care of him every chance I could. But I knew deep inside that this was his time to be his own person and that my role was to support from a distance. If I left him to do his own thing would he know how proud I was of him? Would he know how much I love him if I stayed my distance? What was too much? And what was too little? It was driving me crazy the entire weekend but in the end I kept my distance but was unsure if I should have said more.

The following day after returning home I received the message below from a friend. I read it and could not hold back the tears. It did not matter what I said or did not say that past weekend. What mattered is all the years my son watched me that showed him how much I cared and how much love that I had for him and others. The tears were happy tears. He has grown up to be the most loving caring kind responsible productive person I know. He has become this person because of who he saw me be everyday of his life growing up. I realized that I did an amazing job by what I did when I thought he was not looking. And this includes standing by the sidelines of a college tournament in San Francisco when I thought he was not watching me.

A message every adult should read because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life. When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be. When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up. When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say,'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'

God Has Always Been There

2010-03-08T05:53:00.000-08:00

God doesn’t give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need – to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

When I first read this a few months ago what stood out was the people given to me that hurt me. The question I kept asking myself is, “God give me a break and send the ones who love me and want to help me – I don’t know how much more I can take”.

It is my son’s 20th birthday today and I realized today watching him be the amazing person he is that he loves me. His love has made me the person I was meant to be. The interesting thing is that a few months ago he loved me and I was the person I was meant to be then as I am today. So did God just send me him today? No God sent him 20 years ago. I just choose more often then not to see the fear versus the love. I get stuck in negativity in a tunnel vision of emotional pain. I was and I am accepting of the person I am from the pain I have endured. What about the women that I have become as a product of all the love and help that I get everyday that I may not notice?

Who loves me? I can think of dozens of people and it makes me feel warm and strong. Who has helped me? I am overwhelmed with a sudden feeling to cry. I think of so many people who have been there for me just in the last week let alone my entire life. My daughter, my husband and my partner at work have all seen me struggle and offered to help me this past week without me having to ask. And when I think back over the last 15 years in my real estate career the list would take hours to write. I have always felt fortunate with opportunities that have left me with wanting to help others in return. So this has also made me who I am and plays a huge role in who I am meant to be. God has always been there. Now it is time for me to see all of the positive gifts that have been sent my way and are yet to come through those that love and support me.

Holding Back My Love

2010-02-28T16:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my husband and I were attending our monthly couple’s therapy session. The group discussion was on differences and similarities within each couple and what are the one’s that bring to the relationship the biggest challenges. Like always it was great to hear the other couples perspectives and it is always good to hear that the same challenges exist within most couples.

When it was my husbands time to share he admitted that he often holds back saying nice things about me. He admitted that he knew that I have a need to feel special and noticed by him. He confessed that he often gets the urge to share and then purposely holds back because he is mad at me. He explained that my desire to be connected to him as a couple overwhelms him and he retreats and blames me for being needy. Of course this deeply saddened me. Initially I felt bad for him. The pain he must be in holding back love. To think of all the love that comes back his way that he does not get a chance to claim because of not being in a loving place. How sad it must be to be in his shoes. Then a light bulb went off. OMG I do the same thing. After some reflection I realized I hold back love too but just slightly different. When I am angry I hold back physical attention. I stay as far away physically as possible. I make up excuses to go to work early and make appointments when I know that he may be around. When I am angry I can still say nice things because that is easy for me. I do this naturally. But simple hugs, feet brushing against his in bed, bumping into him lovingly making dinner NO WAY! Why? Because I know he needs physical touch. It is so interesting how we see things in others that are in ourselves. Yesterday may have been painful but I have so much gratitude to God for giving me the chance at intimacy to see the lessons that come my way. And once in a while I have the courage to learn from them. That is life.

Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting.

Do you really deserve it?

2010-02-22T07:21:00.000-08:00

I always thought that the feeling of entitlement came from those who depended on the government for their financial needs. I did not think that the feelings of entitlement could be expressed by someone like Tiger Woods. How could someone so rich feel entitled?

A couple weeks ago someone I know said that they felt justified in taking someone’s deposit outside of the terms of a contract because he worked so hard. He felt entitled to take the money. This past week Tiger Woods publicly apologized for his behavior. He said, “normal rules did not apply I thought only of myself”, “I worked hard my entire life and I deserve to enjoy all the temptations around me”, “I felt entitled”. Wow! A person like Tiger feeling entitled.
Since I have reflected on whether there have been times that I too have felt entitled. Have I justified my behavior because I have worked so hard so I deserve to have what I want? Ok maybe I have not slept around with dozens of men or have taken money that a contract specifically said I could not have but I have felt entitled.

In my current marriage I have felt that I deserve a husband that is devoted to me and adores me. I deserve a husband that thinks only of my needs. I was in a 17 year marriage where my husband could not focus on me. I was in a marriage that had very little intimacy and endured it for 17 years so in this new marriage I deserve it, right? The real estate industry has been tough for 2 years and I have made it through this so I deserve to reap all the benefits as the recovery has begun, right? Where is the line between feeling entitled and having passion to go for what you want? When does desire and dreaming become entitlement and narcissistic?

I do not know the answer and I am looking for opinions from others. I do know that to stay out of fear and to stay in love is the first step. And I do know that I will never give up dreaming or my passion for what it is I want to give to the world. Maybe I will just have to check in with myself more often with the question, “do I feel a sense of entitlement to this goal or dream”?

Living with Chronic Pain

2010-01-18T14:25:00.001-08:00

Most people that know me would never have guessed that I have lived with chronic pain for most of my life. On the outside I am happy active and generally optimistic. The pain I have suffered has been a result of my digestive system. I can not tell you at what age it started but I do remember at a very young age accepting the fact that I had inherited this condition from my grandmother. I have been diagnosed with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome and poor circulation) through visiting a series of traditional and alternative medical professionals. Up unit this past month my life revolved around my stomach and the pain that I experience.

I met Cheryl a couple of years ago. We immediately connected and both had a strong feeling that there was a purpose for our meeting and that this purpose would be larger then the both of us. During this time Cheryl has become a dear friend. I had often felt saddened that we could not spend more time together. Like most girl friends schedules seem to be the culprit for not getting together as often as you would like. This is true of Cheryl and I but there is one other reason; Cheryl also lives with chronic pain. In fact her pain was so severe that it actually made mine seem irrelevant. Cheryl lived with chronic pain in all of her joints which often left her not wanting to leave the house. She has been diagnosed with arthritis and has been to see every person that vows to have any type of possible cure. She has tried so many things that every time we did meet I was anxious to hear her latest possible remedy and hope for relief.

Just a few short months ago she called me and said that she thought she had found the solution. She said she was researching it and when she felt comfortable with what she found she would share. Could it be possible I thought? And could it help me? Within a few weeks she had researched the product and was using it. We got together for lunch and she shared with me the concept and I was completely surprised. It was not anything you ingest or digest. It did not include meditation or any type of chanting. So what was it? The way I describe it is Spanks on steroids with an orthopedic twist. The official name is Body Magic.

Cheryl went on to say that she had been wearing if for a couple weeks and felt really good. She looked good too. She was cautious and so was I. A month went by and we met for lunch. Cheryl looked fantastic. She immediately said she felt healed. She filled me in on her progress which included a few days without her Body Magic which put her pain back in light so she was now 100% confident that it would change her life. OK I was ready.

I have been wearing mine for six weeks and I feel like a totally different person. I do not ever remember being able to sit still and not feel pain. Maybe the reason I have kept so active. I have been sleeping through the night which is a miracle. In the past my stomach would create so much pain it would wake me several times. Like Cheryl I have tried everything. This past year has been the hardest. I had stopped eating after 6:00 at night so I can get some sort of resemblance to sleep. I had stopped eating large meals at anytime during the day. I had made drinking digestive teas a daily habit. And most of you know that I eat an extremely good diet. Being married to a vegetarian has taken virtually all red meat from my diet and replaced it with an abundance of fruit and vegetables. I shop for organic all natural foods whenever possible and yet it had made little difference.

As I write this letter to you I am on a flight with my children to England. We are spending the new year celebration in London. In the past this would be very stressful for me. I would be worrying about my stomach and whether I would be able to enjoy the vacation with them. And now I sit here with my stomach absolutely pain free. My thoughts are on the future not just this trip but the rest of my life. The most amazing thing is how open my mind is to think about all that is possible living a life free of pain.

Oh and my last thoughts I would like to share is like wearing Spanks I look fantastic. I fit into all my jeans with room to spare and feel reunited with my body that I actually like. Can you believe after holiday season full of food that you can feel fabulous? Whether you live with pain or simply want to look and feel fantastic you can too. For more information on Body Magic call me. I am determined to help others begin to live life fully.

Intimacy - How do you stay connected?

2010-01-04T19:17:00.000-08:00

What does staying connected mean to me?

I do not recall being truly connected to my parents as a child. There were times when I felt close to my Mom but it was not consistent and not sustained. Those times may have been few but were often fun bringing out the best of my Mom. I do not recall feeling connected with my Dad at all. So the idea of staying connected is hard because one has to be connected first.

It is easier to start with what I know feels like disconnection. I feel that most people are disconnected within themselves and I think this has to do with not feeling “whole”. Most people fall into two categories; those that see only things negatively and those that only see things positively. Both are not real. To feel “connected” to others one has to be connected with themselves. So what does that mean? To me it means that you understand that there are challenges and pain. This is part of life just as there is opportunities and joy. To live life fully or in “wholeness” one must know both. I feel that to know true joy comes from knowing pain. Living life stuck in either side is to not as God intended. Why do people get stuck? If you stick to the philosophy that there are only two emotions either love or fear, I think that it is fear. If someone lives in a constant state of denial of pain and only acknowledges joyful events they may fear their life becoming painful. If someone is stuck in challenges and pain they may fear that having joy can not be sustained. In the end they both have fear.

One of my skills that I feel fortunate to have is quick connection to people. I remember being in grade school when I realized this gift. In general I felt joy but understood that there were people who did not. So to connect with them I would acknowledge their challenges and their pain. They would immediately connect with me. I was not afraid of their negatively. I could always leave the interaction inspiring them and really felt I could make a difference. It seemed natural to develop intimate relationships with these types. It was with people who denied pain and only acted positively that I had more of a challenge.

The chronic positive people I have always felt least likely to inspire. They often don’t listen which I suspect has to do with not wanting to hear others pain (it may be contagious). I feel they are not genuine or authentic. It feels as if they are acting and not truly in touch with others feelings or their own. When I was younger it was easier to be patient with this type. I do feel I have a gift to listen fully and suggest eloquently perspectives that the other people may not see. However as I age I get less inclined to spend time being truly present and give up more easily on the chance of intimacy (like with my Mom) with people that are not authentic.

When I do feel connected what behavior has just taken place? The conversations have been addressing challenges and opportunities. Discussing challenges feels wonderful when followed by solutions which is perfect to discuss opportunities. In a conversation where both speak about only their own current opportunities there is no opportunity for the other to ad to the conversation. I feel that if the other person has it all figured out so what good am I to the relationship. I want to matter and I want the other person to matter to me. If the conversations do not end with a balance of give and take I do not feel connected nor any level of intimacy. I may like the person and I may keep them as a friend but as far as close intimacy, no. So conversations that stick to topics like “how is the weather” and “how was work today” leave me frustrated. I like conversations that evoke emotion whether that be pain or joy. I like asking “why do you feel that way” and I like being asked that in return. I love figuring out why I feel a certain way and I enjoy it even more when someone helps me through that experience of learning why I feel a certain way. That person gets me intimately and gets all of me. If someone rejects my need for this intimacy I will eventually stay pleasant but not deep. They will only see the exterior and they will not get the pleasure of intimacy with me and unfortunately probably not with others. I know life is short and to live it not fully is a shame.

Suggestions to facilitate connection

*Start questions with “how do you feel about …”
*The more specific a question or answers to my questions the more potential for intimacy
*After intimate conversations follow up with topic regularly
*Physical touch after intimate conversations

I know you love me but do you like me?

2009-11-01T19:47:00.000-08:00

Recently I was having a conversation with my x husband about his frustrations with our children. He was very frustrated with our daughter making comments about coming to live with me full time (we split custody currently). At one point he said, “I suppose that you will win this one as well”. He was referring to our older son who decided going into his senior year of high school to spend it living with me full time. Knowing how my children feel about their father, I suggested that he focus on the similarities between the two and their feelings towards him. I asked him if he liked our son. He looked bewildered and after a few minutes he said, “of course I love him”. I went on to describe how I really like our son. I told him that I admire his determination, gentleness and kindness. And I told him that if I were his age I would want to hang out and be his friend. I watched my x husbands face and realized he had no clue why I was telling him this. What did liking him have to do with why his children and I did not see that he was right?

My current husband and I have known each other since 2003. He has two sisters of which until last weekend I had only met one a couple times. After a couple years of thinking that he was hiding deep family secrets which he had no intention of sharing with me or worse his desire for family closeness was next to none, I got the chance to spend the weekend alone with both of his sisters. Maria, who I had not met, has been struggling with issues with their father and his other sister being challenged with the stress of taking care of him was a constant source of anxiety for my husband. So you can imagine that my husband’s was quite nervous prior to my boarding the airplane. He voiced his concerns of which I tried to reassure him that I did not plan this trip as an opportunity to create more family drama but to connect and get to know my sisters. The weekend was a perfect example of sisters getting together talking girls stuff and feeling comfort in sharing all the trials and tribulations of their childhoods and daily lives. The most profound statement came from Maria the first night. She said, “I know my Mom loves me but I wish she really liked me”. We talked about this topic on and off throughout the weekend and I realized that this was the context of what I was trying to describe to my x husband.

My children are amazing and I have been asked several times what I attribute to this success. Over the years I have answered that question with various answers but now I know the single most important answer. It is important that we love our children from the deepest parts of our hearts but it is even more important to get to know them as the individuals they are and the dreams they hope to achieve. Not as the individuals we hope they become and not projecting our dreams onto them. And hopefully we will be blessed with the ability to like them so they can build a solid foundation to begin the process of liking who they are and hopefully build the self love that is necessary to experience all the joy that life has to offer and the strength to get them through all the challenges that lay ahead.

Through sisterhood we can share our deepest sadness and joys. Whether this is through biological, legal or simple girlfriends, with this bond we can fill our need to be accepted for who we are. For those of us who may have been loved by our parents but not necessarily liked leaving a never ending need for individual acceptance this perhaps can be the relationship that begins the healing necessary to become the whole person we all hope to become.

For those of you who like to read more on self love I have been reading, “The Three Marriages”, by David Whyte. I find the topic of balancing marriage in relationship, marriage to our profession and marriage to ourselves through the process of self love relevant to our society’s imbalanced approach to daily life is intriguing. And I find his approach to writing through the use of poetry both beautiful and creative.

The Love Dare

2009-07-11T06:07:00.000-07:00

A simple definition of unconditional love is: love without condition. A simple play on words and seems easy right? But we know that this is perhaps one of the hardest things for us to learn and demonstrate consistently. We may get the definition and feel that we are quite good at it. Then as soon as we go back to living our lives unconsciously we also go back to loving with condition. It is as automatic as breathing. Can we learn to breathe differently? Can we live consciously? I found this definition of “conscious” that seems to fit best: having an awareness of one's environment and one's own existence, sensations, and thoughts. So to love unconditionally we must be conscious. That does not seem too hard, does it?

A few months ago my husband and I watched a movie called, “Fireproof”. We all know the story of Jesus and his ability to love unconditionally. However, until seeing the movie I really had no idea how that must have felt day in and day out. In the past when I have seen movies about Jesus I did experience the feeling of sheer exhaustion; everyday giving love with no expectation of it coming back, not even in some other form channeled through someone else, absolutely nothing in return. The movie depicts this in real life through a marriage. It is so difficult watching this man who is given a challenge (from his father) to show unconditional love to his wife everyday for 40 days. The man struggles with committing but ultimately does not for his wife but for his father. The love dare begins. On the 43rd day the man’s wife brings to his attention that the “game” is over. He realizes that he loves unconditionally automatically. It is now a habit and has become as easy as breathing. It is now a part of who he is. I was intrigued and curious but confused at where to begin.

I was in the bookstore looking for a new book to bring on vacation and came across a book called, “The Love Dare” by Stephen and Alex Kendrick from the movie. Immediately I thought this is God’s plan for me so I bought it. I have been posting my experience on Facebook and to follow are my posts so far.

Day 1 Love is patient. I waited until vacation to start the dare and being on vacation for day 1 was difficult. It took over 24 hours to get to Hawaii. Practicing patient after sitting hours in airports, car rental lines, hotel parking ramp being closed and room keys not working all while being VERY hungry (and 2 very hungry tired teenagers) was very difficult.

Day 2 Love is kind. I demonstrated kindness to 2 strangers today by being present with them. Found out that they are amazing people who are just about to do something amazing. I realized that connecting with others takes less energy and gives life.

Day 3 Love is not selfish. Spent the day with my kids. As my daughter said, "Mom this one is easy for you". Yes you put your needs aside for the kids but is it from not being selfish or is it from being accommodating. Two very different things. Sometimes we may do what we think is unselfish acts or is there an underlining motive?

Day 4 Love is Thoughtful. I am blessed to have the natural skill to be multi relational. Being thoughtful is easy for me. But what is not is having the patience with those that are not. Back to Day #1 and that patience thing. Obviously where my work is.

Day 5 Love is Not Rude. Today's exercise was to find out if I do things to others that make them uncomfortable by asking a loved one for 3 behaviors that I do that they would like me to change. I found it not too surprising but the suggestions on how to change was a helpful discussion. I dare you to try this.

Day 6 Love is Not irritable. Choose today to react to tough circumstances in loving ways instead of with irritation. Two reasons why people get irritable; stress and selfishness. When life squeezes you to you pour out a sour response like a lemon or a sweet response like a peach?

Day 7 Love believes the best. Two list one of positive attributes of your spouse and one with negatives. Focus on one of the positives for the day and thank your spouse for it. This helps to lead your heart to truly love your spouse. It is a decision you make, whether they deserve it or not-This love dare thing is getting harder.

Day 8 Love is not jealous. This one was easier. Love is not selfish and puts others first. Being a Mom I am use to that. Maybe I do not get jealous but I definitely could invest more time into celebrating others successes. I spent considerable time celebrating 2 of my husband’s successes and he appreciated it. Try this one on your spouse. Celebrate their successes this weekend.

So this is where I am day 9. I have committed to the process but I have given myself the chance to call a day off. After the 3rd day I realized the depth of what I had committed to and gave myself the gift of patience. There are days that I feel confident that I can finish and then there have been days when I want to give up. For me it is not hard to show love but the unconditional part stops me in my tracks. There is a reason that at the 4th day I got frustrated. That is when I hit the wall. I reflected on this “4th day” pattern and how it constantly shows up in my relationship with my husband. There have been numerous weekends spent together where we just spontaneously see what will happen in the moment. In fact the weekend itself is not planned thoroughly or discussed in any detail until it is upon us. I often enjoy the first 2 days but when I hit the end of the 3rd day I realize that my needs of planning and dreaming of the future have not been met I feel unloved. In fact the next day which is typically the 4th day I begin withholding my love in contempt.

My husband fears commitment hence lives in the moment most of the time. He finds planning difficult as well as discussions on dreams or visions of the future. I love to plan and dream about the future. In fact, attending strategic planning or visioning meeting at work is one of my favorite things to do. This obviously plays a role in our challenges within the marriage. So what is it about the 4th day and how do I get through it? I have spent literally hundreds of hours trying to answer this question and now I have the answer. Coming from a place of unconditional love there should be no difference from the 1st day and the 4th day. But coming from my reality, I need my needs met. On the 4th day I believe it should be my turn. Now that is eye opening. Have I been giving love conditionally all these years? I truly yearn to reach a point where I do not realize that I am upon the 4th day. I know that in order to get what you want you first have to give it but in the past I had not thought about unconditional love this way. And I do want to be loved unconditionally. I will continue to hit the wall from time to time. However I am committed to getting through all 40 days and I do know that walls are put in front of us to see how badly we want something. The wall is not put there to give up. So off to the 9th day and the hope that God gives me the chance to see what is in store on the 40th day. What are you waiting for? Take the love dare and start today.

What do we all want?

2009-07-11T04:45:00.000-07:00

I found this and wanted to share. It has inspired me and motivated me to write again. Enjoy.

A Definition of Unconditional Love
Love without condition

I love you as you are, as you seek to find your own special way to relate to the world, or the way you feel that is right for you. It is important that you are the person you want to be and not someone that I or others think you should be.

I realize that I cannot know what is best for you although perhaps sometimes I think I do. I've not been where you have been, viewing life from that angle you have, I do not know what you have chosen to learn, how you have chosen to learn it, with whom, or in what time period. I have not walked life looking through your eyes, so how can I know what you need.

I allow you to be in the world without a thought or word of judgment from me about the deeds you undertake. I see no error in the things you say and do, in this place where I am. I see that there are many ways to perceive and experience the different facets of our world. I allow without reservation the choices you make in each moment.

I make no judgment of this for if I were to deny your right to evolution, then I would deny that right to myself and all others. To those who would choose a way I cannot walk, whilst I may not choose to add my power and my energy to this way, I will never deny you the gift of love that God has bestowed within me for all creation, as I love you so I shall be loved; as I sow, so I shall reap.

I allow you the universal right of free will to walk your own path, creating steps or to sit a while if that is what is right for you. I will make no judgment of these steps, whether they are large or small, nor light or heavy or that they lead up or down, for this is just my viewpoint. I see you do nothing and might judge it to be unworthy. And yet, it may be that you bring great healing as you stand blessed by the light of God.

I cannot always see the higher picture of divine order. For it is the inalienable right of all life to choose their own evolution and with great love I acknowledge your right to determine your future. In humility I bow to the realization that the way I see is best for me does not have to mean that it is also right for you. I know that you are led as I am following the inner excitement to know your own path.

I know that the many races, religions, customs, nationalities and beliefs within our world bring us great richness and allow us the benefit of teachings of such diverseness. I know we each learn in our own unique way in order to bring that love and wisdom back to the whole. I know that if there were only one way to do something, there would need to be only one person. I will not only love you if you behave in a way I think you should, or believe in those things I believe in. I understand you are truly my brother and sister though you may have been born in a different place and believe in another God than I.

The love I feel is for all of God's world. I know that every living thing is part of God and I feel a love deep within every person, and every tree, and flower, every bird, river, ocean and for all the creatures in all the world. I live my life in loving service being the best me I can, becoming wiser in the perfection of divine truth, becoming happier in the joy of unconditional love.
by Sandy Stevenson - Ascension 2000

The Day "I" Got God

2009-05-03T14:48:00.000-07:00

Several years ago my friend Joe was conducting a seminar and I witnessed him coach a woman who was experiencing some real emotional pain. She had indicated that she was “stuck” and that she did not understand why. She went on to share that she loves helping people and does so all the time and just does not feel that it comes back to her. Joe asked her if she was open to learning about herself and she said “yes”. In front of hundreds of people I witnessed a woman evolve from a state of fear to love. Joe asked her to describe how it felt when she helped someone. She said she loved seeing the smile and joy on their face when she did something that really was special that she was confident she could give. She went on to say that the feeling that she gets doing things for others was the sole reason for her getting up everyday. Joe then asked her how she felt about others helping her. There was an awkward silence and a major energy shift. I could see and feel the fear in her. She began to describe how she is a very independent person and can do most anything by herself and that she liked it that way. She did not want to be a burden to anyone. There was utter silence in the room. Joe asked her if there are people in her life that may want the opportunity to feel the way she does when she gives. He than asked if she was possibly denying her loved ones the chance to feel this love that comes from giving. She began to cry.

Since that day I have watched that scene over in my head thousands of times. It is better to give then to receive. My own character has been built on these words. In fact, I have been told that I give too much at the expense of my own emotional well being. What is the saying, “too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing”. Living out of balance has been hard work that has not gone without pain for me and for my loved ones. Every time I thought I was open to receiving my ego would turn up the volume. It would say, “Don’t get use to it they are just going to leave anyway”. Then a follow up to that of “you can do it yourself you do not need anyone anyway”. I have done so much self improvement work and all it seemed to do is help my ego create new and more logical variations of those words. The end result always being the same, my loved ones felt shut out, exhausted and hopeless.

I was baptized as an infant raised and confirmed in the Lutheran faith and have always believed in God. However, I have grown over the years more and more frustrated with organized religion. I always strive to stay non judgmental and from my personal experience with organized religion it is just a matter of time before you discover that they have “the right way” to feel God. They make you feel that you do not have the power to find that within yourself and that is control. God is about love and there is nothing loving about control. I will admit that I do believe that some of the techniques they use to assist you in managing your ego (some organizations may refer to ego as the devil) are interesting. For me one tool that resonates is prayer.

So I have tried praying over the years. And what I found is that it leads to asking for “things” rather then stay focus on loving thoughts. I have tried various affirmations that I have picked up over the years listening to spiritual leaders. I have been attracted to this on and off for several years now with no luck of consistency until April of this year. This has been a tough year. My son going to college left me feeling that a part of my heart went with him. My career of being in real estate has been suffering from a financial meltdown and my husband of not even two years has asked to leave so many times so many different ways that I began to not listen. This built a wall that was so tall and deep that prayer just did not seem big enough to tear it down.

Then I got a message from God from two friends about praying. I had met Lois at a couple’s seminar weekend in February and we had a few connections via email after the seminar. I mentioned the struggles my husband and I were having and she said she would pray for us. Then a couple weeks later after a conversation with my friend Liz she said that she would pray for my husband and me as well. At that moment I thought of Joe and the coaching session with the women who could not allow any one around her the chance to help her. I immediately got it. The answer for me is prayer. I have read both of the emails from my friends numerous times taking it in my heart. I then came up with 6 daily prayers having to do with peace, love, faith, and being open to receiving. This time the difference was praying for the ability to receive as a base. Now I can give with the power of being open to receive and the knowledge that some might not be in the place to receive which to me defines unconditional love.

My therapist the other day asked me why I think “I” get God this time. My answer was quick. I now get prayer and how that allows me to reach to God and then to others through God. And that this is my tool and not necessarily everyone’s. I left my therapist’s office and heard the new song by Beyonce' called Halo (lyrics below). I had heard it several times over the previous two weeks and at the time it made me think of my husband and what I would like to say to him. But the words now hit me hard and I immediately starting crying. The words were no longer meant for my husband. They were meant for God.

I feel things more clearly after I pray. The sky seems bluer, sounds seem so crisp and my ego is quiet. I can still see pain but it is no longer within myself. I see it in others and my heart starts pounding like it wants to jump out and help. And then I remember that the person whose pain I see may not be ready to receive. And until they do, my job is to love, support and appreciate what they are trying to give me and the gift I can give them is to receive that unconditionally. So is it really better to give then to receive? Are you giving others around you the chance to love you no matter where they are on their healing journey? Are you giving and loving unconditionally? Is it time to take down your wall?

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m takin’
I ain’t never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light

I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
The risk that I’m takin’
I’m never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see you halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo

Did I Live? Did I Love? Did I Matter?

2009-04-23T12:36:00.001-07:00

I have been asking people how they would answer these three questions and it is amazing how it really stops people for a moment to reflect. There are always the fast responders that are thinking in terms of themselves (which those types do a lot of). Their answers are quite entertaining. There are things like “yes - you should have seen me in college” or “I love all the girls” or better yet “I live for my passion (like its tangible)”, “I love nature” and “I love what I do”. This particular response actually made me sad, “they can’t do without me at work so I must matter”. The more reflective types understand that it is not about the logistics of living. It is about living and loving beyond yourself.

After numerous discussions with others I have come up with my unique answers to each. Let’s take each one at a time. Did I live? I lived because I did things that I was afraid of that others thought was crazy. I lived because when the voice in my head said run, I asked why? I lived because I asked for help and accepted help. I lived because I let others have what they wanted while I went without. I lived because I risked relationships to have them. I lived because I brought joy to the lives of people around me regardless if they deserved it. I lived because I seek to understand versus always trying to be understood. I lived in empathy without reckless abandon. I lived because I understand that life is not about obtaining perfection. It is about the journey and that the ups are great and the downs are necessary for growth. Finally, I lived because I accepted the whole package that was given to me by my God and I lived consciously as much as possible as not to take it for granted.

Did I love? Of course I love my husband, parents and my kids. I can say I loved at least one set of grandparents. And I believe those closest to me would say that I am a loving person. But did I love?? I know that when I have live consciously I feel love so deeply that my chest hurts. Living consciously allows my heart to open for not only giving but receiving. Love can not be done unconsciously and when it is it is inauthentic. Authentic love is not the quick “I love you” at the bottom of an email. I have loved someone enough to let go and still I have not given up on love. I have been told I love too much. Can that really happen? I see differences in people as amazing not annoying. I can look into someone’s eyes lovingly and my heart begins to hurt enough to cause tears. Living is to empathy as loving is to compassion. I have loved beyond understanding to making a difference by not just what I say but by what you do.

Did I matter? I recently lost a good friend named Mark. Back several years ago Mark pointed out a fear that kept showing up in my behavior that was holding me back. Because he was living consciously in empathy he was able to see this. And because he loved me he pointed it out and was able to help. Over the next few years I invested a lot of time asking for help from Mark and others to support me with this emotional struggle. It was an amazing time in my life for growth and I was not alone. That was when I felt compassion for the first time. When Mark passed I asked myself, “Did Mark matter”? He made a difference in my life by not just what he said but by what he did. Yes he mattered. Like Mark I have lived consciously with empathy and loved with compassion. So, yes at the end of my journey I will have mattered

This is dedicated to my friend Mark Lindblad. To experience Mark’s contribution in life go to http://www.onyourmarkcoaching.com/
“Death is not extinguishing the light;it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come.”--Rabindranath Tagore

Enabling the Narcissist

2009-04-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

Defined: concerned only with oneself. We all know one, two or maybe even three. Or perhaps our country is full of them. Last week I had a debate with a friend about the government requiring that the CEO of GM step down. He was appalled that the government can do that. I responded with did the CEO deserve it? My friend being a VERY hard worker in fact might be the most productive person I know (one failed marriage to prove it) and rather successful at what he does answered with a quick “yes”. So I asked him if he deserved it why had it not happened before. He looked at me bewildered and never did respond. I added to the conversation that it seems as if all of us through tax dollars had to pay the government to do our dirty work.

A few days later I picked up this book on narcissism. As I read through this book I realized that I know way too many people that could fit the definition of narcissist. We all come out narcissists. We cry when we are not fed. We cry when we need our diaper changed. We stopped when we are picked up and cuddled. We want to be the center of attention. As toddlers we throw temper tantrums when we do not get our way. For some this does not change. In fact it gets stronger as they grow into adulthood. But the question is why? Why do some become adults that have a grandiose opinion of themselves? They need constant affirmation and validation. They have no regard for others. In fact they see themselves as total autonomous. They are on their own island. This is not overly confident this is arrogance. It is not what you think about yourself but what you do not think about others.

Up until the economic downturn when so much became transparent I might have thought that being in the real estate industry put me in a place to see more narcissists then others (lucky me). I have always gotten a kick out of the amount of advertising that is done for self promotion versus for properties. You have seen it. And admit it; you have giggled a time or two. But lately it seems to be everywhere. The stories of executives getting bonuses in the midst of financial devastation, millions in the midst of so many having nothing.

The last question I have is, “where were their parent’s”? In asking that question, I have to examine my own parenting. My kids never bit or bullied other kids. I took every opportunity to discuss with them when others did why it was wrong. That came naturally to me and what I realize now is that is not always the case. First of all parent’s are rarely present and/or conscious for that matter. And when they are, the chances of them having the capacity or emotionally stability to assist their children in emotional growth opportunities are quite low. So here we are a country of self absorbed entitled human beings and what can each of us do?

First we can examine our own behavior. Are we thinking of ourselves the majority of the time? Is our behavior in general governed by meeting the needs of others? Second, do not stand for narcissistic behavior. When you witness it ask that person directly if there intend is to hurt others while helping themselves. Tell them you care about them but will not tolerate their behavior. Narcissists need to be handled with directness and love. They are emotionally still children who need help setting boundaries. They are looking for others to re-parent them. Remember the ego is strong and wants to win but the human heart will always win if we use it. It is time the heart gets to speak and the head gets to listen.

Hope - How do YOU find it?

2009-03-29T17:16:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched the movie Milk. It is one of those movies that is up for all these awards but you never got around to seeing it but since it is award worthy you rent it. It was excellent. One of the famous lines in the movie is when Harvey Milk says, "Without hope there is no reason to live". This morning my husband asked me this question, "Where do you find hope"?

I have been reflecting all day on the word hope and what it means. I know that I am very passionate about helping others to find hope. That is easy for me. Whether it is in the real estate field or within my immediate sphere, to watch a persons face or hear it in their voice when they finally find hope is priceless. That feeling keeps me going when I want to give up. I know that this last year it has been hard to get through to people. There are so many people that are not in the right place to receive.

The movie portrays Harvey finding his passion to change the world through changing the way people think of gay rights as being equal to the rights of all citizens. To think that this was 1973 (not that long ago) and that gays had very few rights is unbelievable. They were not allowed to teach children for the fear that our children would turn gay. Can you imagine thinking that children can be taught to be gay? So Harvey found himself in a position to give hope through using politics to represent the gay community in changing legislature for equal rights. What a big job. It seemed impossible. Without hope for freedom I can see how the gay community would think that life would not be worth living. Harvey gave people hope through bringing them a voice to the government through public office. So where does someone like Harvey get their hope? What he did for equal rights in a span of 5 years is amazing. He had to have known where to go to find his own hope.

In my darkest moments I have lost hope and I have felt that life may not be worth it. So I do know the value of hope. So where do I get hope for me? Do I wait for someone else to bring it to me? If I did wait I just might be waiting for a long time. I also know that hope collectively coming from a larger group does bring momentum for amazing change (you will see this in the movie so go rent it today). And to be one to inspire that is what I am passionate about. But I still need hope for me to give me momentum. Where is it? As I relected on my husbands question it seemed so unclear.

Whenever I feel unclear I get clarity. That means to stop "doing" and quiet your mind. To quiet my mind today I decided not to work instead I went to a spiritual center. I love the inspiration messages and I find someone else saying them out loud even more powerful. I also love the music. I left the center renewed. I felt hopeful. Wow! I found it.

So the moral to this story is that it does not matter where others get it. What matters is finding out where you get yours. As Kim Lampe says, "find what fuels you" (check out her website at www.believeactgo.blogspot.com). This next week quiet your mind and reflect on the word "hope" and my wish for you is that you find it.

"It's not what you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not"

I Know What Happens in 2012 - We Go Right

2009-03-11T07:34:00.000-07:00

Every since seeing this video a few months ago on stroke victims I have been fascinated with the human brain. We know that the brain is split in two parts. One side we call “left brained” and the other “right brained”. Studies have shown that a large percentage of men operate from the left and women from the right. We know that the left side is the rational logical side of our brain and the right is relational and emotional.

Our society has been operating vastly from the left for quite a few hundred years. This era has been referred to as the suppression of the female/right side. We know as humans that are nature is to operate with balance; yin/yang, black/white, dark/light but yet we have let the left brain to dominate. Hence the results of our society’s woes of today. This has created the opportunity to play off our right side. How will creating balance change what is going on today?

Let’s discuss humans and their physical forms. We know that our bodies physical existence is dependent on 20 identified amino acids. These 20 are made of combinations of carbon, nitrogen, oxygen and hydrogen. Mathematics tells us that there should actually 64 combinations of these four but yet we have only identified 20. Where are the other 44 combinations? And if we could tap into those how would we evolve? What are we missing? Could it be that until we are balanced in our true nature we will not experience our full capabilities? By suppressing the right side of the brain are we holding ourselves back? It is obvious in our physical realities of today that something is surely missing.

In suppressing the right side we have suppressed our emotions. Scientists have proven that there are two emotions in the human brain that is fear or love. You do not have to think to long to realize that fear is not suppressed in our current human existence. It is every where. So are we suppressing love? If we could let it out will it open up our potential for evolution? Will we see more amino acids? It is fascinating to think of the opportunities. Next time fear is staring you in the face, reach for balance by throwing love back at it. It will always win.

He Said I Was Dog Poo

2009-02-27T09:33:00.000-08:00

A couple days ago I went to see the movie, “He’s Just Not into you” by myself. A couple years ago when the book came out I refused to read it. My perception was that it would be one of those men bashing books and at the time I was getting married and it just did not fit into my life. So why now did I want to see the movie? First, I love the cast. How can one not think a movie will be worth a few bucks when it has Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston, Ben Afflack, Scarlett Johansson and more? Second, I knew there was a strong message and I really wanted to see how it may apply to me. And boy was there was a message alright.
The first scene of the movie is a little girl noticing a little boy in the park. As soon as the boy notices her he approaches her and pushes her down. She is still down when she asked why he did it and he says, “Because you stink like dog poo”. He proceeds to say that she not only stinks like dog poo but that she is dog poo. The little girl with tears in her eyes runs to her Mom. Mom gives the little girl a big hug and asks why she is crying. The little girl says, “the boy in the park says I am dog poop”. Her Mom grabs her shoulders looks her in the eyes and says, “Is that true”? The little girl shakes her head no. Mom’s next action emotionally scars the little girl in a way that she will carry for years. Mom says, “boys do that when the like you”. The look on the little girls face is priceless. Now roll that scene out 20 years. She grows up and believes that when men are brash, disrespectful and demeaning it means they must love her. Can you see the pattern? How would things have been different if Mom had stopped after, “Is that true” and had just given her another hug?
What really left me speechless was the fact that I have said similar things to my own daughter. I do not remember my Mother saying similar things to me but I have similar thoughts that have to come from somewhere. I was not told that I was dog poo, but I was told by my Dad that I talk too much and that I did not deserve a nice guy. I was left alone to fend for myself by both my parents which made me feel invisible. I need not go any further to describe the love interests I have been attracted to in my lifetime. I am sure you get the drift.
In the movie the little girl did not stand up for herself. She just ran to her Mom. I got to thinking about how I reacted as a child to similar encounters. And I realized that how one reacts defines your future relationships just as much as the incident itself. I can tell you that I did not stay lying down and did not run to Mom. That would have been the last person I would have told. So what did I do? I would stand up walk up to the boy look him in the eyes and I would say, “You will eventually regret what you just did”. Then I would calmly walk away. Then what happens? Let’s just say the few people in my life that did call me poop (figuratively speaking-I was never actually called poop) still apologize today. My way of getting even is by strategically planning to alienate them and ultimately make them feel invisible. Hmm. Invisible that sounds familiar. How has this served me? Not well. If my partner makes a mistake they regret it and eventually they stay away to avoid getting stung. Would you blame them? I don’t.
After I was finished being hard on myself and my parents, I got to thinking that all parent’s do the best they can given their circumstances. And we all have similar experiences with our care givers so romantic love will always be filled with drama and exposing childhood wounds will be painful. Does it really have to be that way? What do we tell that little girl who is lying on the ground who just got called dog poo? We tell her to stand up, look him in the eyes lovingly with sympathy and tell him that it is unfortunate that he treats people that way and that she is not dog poo. Then she should walk away confidently. We cannot protect our kids from these inevitable childhood encounters but we can prepare them. As adults we can go to all kinds of therapy, spend money on relationships seminars and read books on the subject to our hearts desire but our world still remains wounded. The key to healing our culture is through our children. The next generation does not need to carry on our wounds and they do not deserve to see themselves as dog poo. The next time you see a child either on the receiving end or sending end of a typical childhood bullish encounter, remember that this incident can define their relationships for years to come. Do something from love and compassion, even if that something is a hug.

Facebook - It’s Not Just Just a Pretty Face

2009-02-22T19:39:00.000-08:00

I recently attended a networking happy hour and found myself in the middle of a very interesting conversation about Facebook. I had started it by sharing that I had an appointment the next morning that resulted from someone from my past finding me on Facebook. Before I had a chance to explain how I knew him (I had interviewed him for a loan officer position when I owned a mortgage company years ago) the comments came flying out. I heard things like; did you know that they kicked 90,000 perverts off Facebook today. I heard frustrations about having to check another mail box every day. I heard about how the people on Facebook are only interested in posting silly photos of them doing things other than work. I heard comments on how this was a tool for Mom’s to stalk their kids and how their employers banned the use of Facebook at work. Numerous people concluded that this was a tool that could never be used for business and would eventually lose its momentum.

I recall a very similar conversation in the mid nineties when it came to obtaining information on homes for sale on the internet. I was new to getting my real estate license and a coworker saw me sending home information through my email to a prospective Bed & Breakfast buyer. He spared no time in suggesting to me that this was a terrible idea. That I should NEVER give prospects too much information and that this computer emailing thing would run its course and go away (he preceded to hand me one of those huge MLS paper books that were outdated the minute they were printed). I reacted the same way then as I did at this networking event, quietly giggled knowing that I have a tool that I plan to use for business that others will take years to accept and moved the conversation along.

Several years ago a good friend and mentor assisted me in creating a website that was intended to create and maintain human connections amongst people in a community. This tool would be a way to create communication between people, list events and supply community information. Hey that sounds like Facebook. I guess we were ahead of our time.

I will admit that my first reason to join Facebook was to watch my kids. The word “stalking” is too strong; however I have been banned from writing on their wall (I did not even know what a wall was- now I am flustered about poking). I can tell you that I quickly got over my initial fear of this new communication tool and now I see the enormous potential for personal and professional use. I have been “granted permission” to connect with people that I have tried over several years to connect with that are friends of friends of mine. It has been a great tool to assist me in writing my book and promoting my blog. I have been using it to keep my friends abreast of what is happening in the real estate industry. It has resulted in reconnecting with people that I met in business years ago that I had wished to remain in touch with but life just happened and our connection withered. Last but not least it allows me to quickly see what my friends are up to and make quick comments to let them know that I am thinking about them. I think this is a great way to stay connected. You may or may not choose to ride the Facebook wave; however just like emailing you just may someday find yourself having to set up a profile as a requirement to be accepted into a personal or professional group. If you are on Facebook look me up and let’s stay connected. Until next time remember that we enjoy the beauty of a butterfly, but rarely acknowledge the changes it has gone through to achieve its amazing beauty.

Castaway

2009-02-08T19:22:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt like you are alone on an island? Some people physically create their lives that way. Some people create emotional barriers resulting in being alone. And sometimes things happen in life that leaves you alone temporarily physically and emotionally.
This past week I pulled notes out from a team building meeting that I had organized for my team almost 10 years ago. A third party came in to facilitate. The first exercise he conducted was about a visualization technique in which we imagined being left on a tropical island. There were roles on the island and we had to discuss who was going to do what and why. The last thing was finding a raft that would allow one person to get back. We had to each write down who would be the one and why. And then we had to write why we did not pick each of the others. Then of course share it with the group. There were 7 of us and you could not vote yourself as the one for the raft adventure. So who was chosen the lucky one to go back on the raft? Yep it was me. So how did that make me feel? Ironically I had just seen the movie Castaway. If you have seen the movie the trip back on the raft was a long and torturous. In fact I remember thinking that I would have considered staying back on the island and living on coconuts. I felt honored, humbled and overwhelmed. My team felt that I would be the most likely to make it back on the raft and the most likely to change the world once I got back. It was obvious that they had more confidence in me then I had. Once the session was over I was relieved. I was relieved because the situation was never going to happen. Or so I thought.
Looking back over this past year it could be described as a torturous raft adventure. I started on a cozy relaxing tropical paradise with a team of competent individuals who slowly over time disappeared. The cozy relaxing island is now a small office full of empty cubicles. The mail boxes that use to be so full that you had to pick your mail up everyday are now empty except with a handful of bills for me. In those days if you did not pick up your phone messages daily the caller would receive the message, “this box is full”. Every day I wake up with the voice in my head saying, “you are most likely to change the world”. I send emails to people I know to find new connections, I use LinkedIn & Facebook, and I meet for coffee, lunch with whomever I think might assist me in changing the world. This past year may have been lonely at times, had ups and downs like a roller coaster but it has not been torturous. Rather it has been a time of reflection, meeting new people, reacquainting with people from my past and most of all a time to see opportunities that someone like me can be involved in that can change the world. I am grateful for the raft that I have been on and look forward to reaching shore. But most of all I am grateful for the team that I had built for seeing in me what I had not seen in myself.

Do you have more questions then answers?

2009-02-03T18:41:00.000-08:00

True transformation requires courage. Courage to ask ourselves the difficult questions that seem to have no answers. And courage to hold these questions firmly as we contemplate what is an illusion and what is our true authentic self. These times of questioning are not our weakest moments. These are the moments of real clarity and consciousness. This is when we are truly living.

Celebrate Lives Transitions

2009-01-27T19:11:00.000-08:00

I am reading a great book by Barbara D’Angelis called, “How Did I Get Here?” Our lives are full of turning points. Times that come that quite frankly feel like being hit by a freight train. These are times we call unexpected and inconvenient. These are the times that after we have shed tears we can still feel the pain in our chest. Making the logical response, “how did I get here and what is the purpose”? What we tend to forget is that these are also the time of amazing growth. I want to share this story with you.
A woman who always considered herself clever and capable died at the end of a long life and found herself waiting for an interview with God. Time seemed to be nonexistent as she waited alone in a light filled room with no ceilings, walls or floor. “What will God ask me?” she wondered. “I was never much of a deep thinker. What if he asks me about the meaning of life? I won’t know what to say. I could always tell the truth. I was too busy being successful to think about that kind of thing. After all, my accomplishments have been very impressive and even God should be able to see that!”
With intense concentration, she tried to recall all of the marvelous things she had achieved during her lifetime, so she would be prepared to talk to God. Suddenly God appeared before her and sat down next to her. “It is good to see you, “God began. “So tell me, how do you think you did?” The woman breathed an enormous sigh of relief to hear that this was the question God was asking. She was sure she could answer this right. Feeling confident she began: “Well, I thought you might ask that, so I’ve made a short list. I wanted to own my own business so I could have a flexible schedule for my kids and become financially successful, I did that wanted to put my children through college and I did that too. I wanted to own a luxurious home, and I did that. I wanted to learn to play golf and I did that. I wanted a cabin up north so I did that. Oh, I can’t forget this one, I wanted to donate money to worthy causes on a regular basis, and I did that.” The woman felt quite satisfied with herself, hearing her own list. Surely God was going to be proud.
“So in conclusion,” she declared, “I would say without wanting to brag, that I did very well, considering I accomplished most of the things I set out to do. But of course, since you are God you knew all of this already.” God smiled kindly at the woman. “Actually, you’re mistaken.”
“Mistaken?” the woman asked. “I don’t understand.” “You are mistaken, “God repeated, “Because I wasn’t paying attention to the goals you achieved.” The woman was taken aback. “You weren’t? But, I thought ….” “I know,” God interrupted. “Everyone thinks the better their life went, the more successful their life was. But it doesn’t work that way up here. I didn’t pay attention to all the times you got what you expected and hoped for, for that wouldn’t teach me much about what you were learning in your earthly existence. I was watching you most closely during all those difficult times when you encountered the unexpected, the things you did not plan on or want to happen. You see, it is how you dealt with these that reflect the growth and wisdom of your soul.”
The woman was stunned. She’d gotten it all wrong! She’d spend her whole life trying to do everything right. “How should I know what lessons I learned from life’s difficult moments?” she wondered in a panic. “I never even liked to admit I had any problems. What am I suppose to tell God now?”
For a moment, she was speechless, but I was never one for enjoying defeat, she soon got a second wind of energy. “Don’t just sit here!! She told herself firmly. “You never lost a negotiation on earth. Try again!” Gathering up all of her confidence, she began once more:
“Well, to tell the truth, God, I was just being polite before. Actually, my life was hell! What hardships, what disappointments, what tests and trials! Let me tell you about the time my mother-in-law moved in with us. And then there was the time I passed kidney stones. And my youngest son, he was nothing but trouble. And my husband, don’t get me started on my husband or I’ll be here forever ….”
“Take your time, “God replied. “I’m in no hurry …..”

Where Are My Mighty Queens?

2009-01-26T15:36:00.000-08:00

This past week I had the chance to meet Amy Dickinson. She is he columnist for the Chicago Tribune (she is syndicated as well) that took over for Ann Landers. Her column is “Ask Amy”. She has recently written a book called, “Mighty Queens of Freeville”. The book is her story of moving back to her home town after being away the majority of her adult life as a successful professional writer raising her daughter as a single Mom. Not knowing what to expect returning she realized that she had missed the unconditional love and support of the women from her hometown. All the years alone she missed the advice from a special group of women who understand the daily struggles of women. This got me thinking about my own mighty queens.
I remember my high school click. Is that my mighty queens? From what Amy explains your mighty queens do not judge. In high school they judged. How about my women relatives? Amy explains that this group may in fact include relatives. Hers does. A might queens group is inclusive versus exclusive. It is a group that puts time aside for each other on a consistent basis. That is not my women relatives. The closest I can come is women network groups that I am involved in. The problem with these groups is that they are exclusive. In other words you belong to the group if you are an accepted member. There is nothing unconditional about it. Not to mention to admit to a business group that you have daily struggles (no matter what they are) would be a sign of weakness. Who wants weakness in business? Especially if you are a woman. So I conclude that I do not have my own mighty queens.
I have always been proud of the fact that I am a strong woman who can do things on her own. But after meeting Amy and contemplating what I may have missed I want to go to Freeville. When I feel alone I want a group of women that I can look forward to having lunch with. When I am struggling with my career I want a group of women that I can bounce ideas off from. When I miss my son who is off at college I want to have a group of women I can cry in front of. When I was going through a divorce I now know it would have been comforting to have women to turn to. So a trip to Freeville is on my “to do” list. However, I am not sure that Amy would be receptive to waves of women heading to her hometown. So creating a mighty queens group of my own in Minneapolis will be my next project. Anyone interested?

Time Bankrupt

2009-01-14T19:14:00.000-08:00

Due to the economics times we are faced with the whole idea of bankruptcy is everywhere, of course most of the time we are referring to financial bankruptcy. Bankruptcy is a devastating process and not just financially. The ramifications can be comparable to death and divorce. So what does bankruptcy mean? And do people start out with the intent to go bankrupt?
Last week I ran into a friend by the name of Karen. She used a new word that referred to bankruptcy that intrigued me. She said she was no longer going to let herself be time bankrupt. She is in her mid 50’s and has always used the excuse of not having enough time to pursue what she is truly passionate about. She told me that it was her intention in 2009 to not stand on the fact that she is time bankrupt to delay any longer what she is driven to do.
You have to hear the whole story of Karen. Karen has shown me the power of intention first hand. Over the holidays we were at a holiday event and the room was full (at least 100 people) and 6 ladies at our table. The event was an auction using paper money that we each had accumulated through various ways throughout the year. In addition to using this money at the auction they were also giving away cash prizes through drawings. Karen approached the table and declared that she was about to win some cash from the drawings. We giggled and in unison said “ya so are we”. Karen went on to say that she knew of a woman that professional entered giveaways for a living and was making 6 figures doing so and that she had every intention to be as successful as this women. I was taken aback slightly at her confidence and when she proceeded to win cash 2 times out of a dozen drawings (remember over 100 people in the room all with similar chances), I took a strong interest in her level of intention.
So when I ran in to her this past week I was very excited to check in with her results. She went on again about the power of intention so when she brought up the idea of being time bankrupt I was ready to listen. I also know the feeling of being time bankrupt. I know many women who have had this feeling.
In financial bankruptcy you spend more then you earn and if you do not decrease your expense and/or increase your income over time the situation caves in and it is inevitable to claim bankruptcy. Time bankruptcy is different in that we all have the same income we call “time”. It is 24 hours per day. You can’t get more and you can’t spend more. There is no such thing as getting a loan to cover the deficit. We all spend the same amount; 24 hours every day. So can we actually go time bankrupt? And what does Karen mean? Karen and I did discuss this and we agreed that we feel bankrupt when we spend most of our time on things that do not drive us. As women we all do it. We spend time on everyone else but ourselves. And at the end of the day we have spent all of our time. Nothing left for us individually and no time left to cultivate and sustain relationships with each other. Can we give up some of our time expenditures like obsessing on a clean house, keeping up with laundry, making healthy dinners every day? And lastly not asking for help on any of these things because others do not do it the way we want it to be done. At the end of the day we lose our relationships with our girlfriends and we lose ourselves.
What is your intention for 2009? Is there 1 hour a day that you can give back to yourself? Is there 1 hour a month that you can give to a close friendship that needs attention? I challenge you to join Karen and me in having the intend to avoid going time bankrupt.

Why Pray if Things are Going Great

2009-01-05T14:08:00.000-08:00

It is interesting that we pray the least when we need it the most. When times are good we keep ourselves so busy that we forget about prayer. Life is an ebb and flow and when times are good they will flow the other way soon. Then we pray and expect miracles for ourselves because we are struggling. I am guilty of this. And what I realized is that I am only praying for myself if it only comes to mind when I struggle. If I was praying with the intent of something outside myself I would be doing it all the time. So my new years resolution is to pray more. And I will always find a place in prayer for others.
I received these two prayers today from my website www.MessagesForWomen.com today and I would like to share them with you.

I just wanted to tell everyone that I am so grateful to have each of you in my life. May everyone who received this message be blessed. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost, just a lot of reward. Make sure you pray, and pray believing God will answer. May today be all you need it to be. May the peace of God and the freshness of the Holy Spirit rest in your thoughts, rule in your dreams tonight, and conquer all your fears. May God manifest himself today in ways you have never experienced. May your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer, and your prayers be answered. I pray t hat faith enters a new height for you; I pray that your territory is enlarged. I pray for peace, healing, health, happiness, prosperity, joy, true and undying love for God. God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED - To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be. Dear God: The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong, and I love her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most, and let her know when she walks with you, She will always be safe. Love you Sis!!!!

When Opposites Attract

2008-12-28T07:51:00.000-08:00

Remember that feeling you get when you fall in love? That person is "perfect" for you. They complete you. Then a few months pass, maybe one year, and that person is no longer perfect. In fact the very things that you were attracted to drive you completely crazy. You look at them and think you must have been temporarily in sane to not have seen the differences that are now obvious.

I have been reading this terrific book that just might explain why it is that we are attracted to those that are quite opposite in what we intimately need and what that person can provide. The book is, "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix. I like it because of the scientific approach to this attraction process we call romantic love.

I met my husband Kevin 5 years ago. At 40 he had never been married, has no children and had just broken up the most serious relationship he had experienced. I was going through a divorce ending a marriage of 17 years. Kevin is a very independent and never thought of himself as a husband let alone a father. As for me I have never thought of myself as a single. My heart has always been open for a romantic partner and is big enough to be a mother to children. I have been fortunate to be mother of two and would have been thrilled to have had more. So the union of my husband and I is definately an opposite attracts scenerio. What was I thinking?

What is the purpose of opposites attracting? The answer is in our deepest fears. I grew up with an alcoholic Father that was physically not present. My Mother was emotionally unavailable. Kevin grew up the youngest of 3 and the only biological child (his parents being told they could not conceive). He was 10 when his parents divorced and he (not his two sisters) was sent to bording school. To this day he is everything to both of his parents. He was and is the most important thing in both of their lives. Due to how we were raised I fear abandonment and he fears being enmeshed. In otherwords I always think he is leaving and he always thinks I am going to take away his independence.

Wouldn't it have been easier to be attracted to someone just like myself? No. And the reason is that with someone like ourselves we will never overcome our fears that were instilled in us as children. We need the opposite to see our fears and to challenge us to overcome them. I can tell you that it is very hard every day but I can also tell you that the growth that comes makes it all worth it. How can we help others with their fears if we do not help ourselves? That is why we are here on earth, to help others. To live your life not overcoming your own stuff and thus not giving your full potential to help others is not living. As you look at your loved one and think "what in the world" remember God has provided for you the tools necessary to live fully. So go do it!

So Whose Birthday is it Anyway?

2008-12-25T15:38:00.000-08:00

Last week I was returning from Las Vegas (I went to get away from the snow and got snowed in) and sat next to a woman who reminded me of the true meaning of Christmas. She asked me this simple question, “When did Americans come to think that Christmas is a second time in the year to celebrate their own birthday?” We had a great discussion about the true meaning of Christmas and that the only birthday we should be celebrating on December 25th is that of Jesus (well OK there are some folks who are fortunate to have this holy day as their birthday-my niece Mariah does-Happy Birthday Mariah). After a good hour of conversation we agreed that the true meaning of Christmas is about giving to others. Since the conversation I have done some deep reflecting on what “giving” is all about.

I started thinking about people I know that have “given” something to someone that was totally unexpected; unconditional. A month ago my friend, Liz and I met for a holiday drink to catch up on our lives. As we prepared to leave we were engaging in a deep conversation on our way to the door. As I approached to open the door I realized that I had lost her. I looked behind me to find her hugging a young girl that was clearly emotionally distraught. Liz was consoling her and the young girl continued to shed tears. I walked back and attempted to consol her as well. After a few minutes we got her to smile and she thanked us. As Liz and I walked towards the door, I asked her who her friend was. She answered, “Oh that was not a friend I do not know her”. I was taken aback. I just assumed the way she had opened her heart to this young girl that she had to have known her. Liz just looked at me and said, “She just looked like she needed a hug”. This was a pure loving gift that did not come in a new shiny wrapped box. It was given from her heart with the intention of giving to someone else for nothing in return. How often to we give unconditionally? Yes, Christmas has always been about giving. I have always done my fair share of charitable giving at Christmas and throughout the year. But I can honestly say that giving in the spur of the moment at the most inconvenient time for me is not a gift that I have given often enough. And sometimes the simplest gifts can mean the most at the perfect timing of someone else. So is unconditional love about timing? Is it about seeing a situation from another’s point of view? Is it about giving what someone else needs not what we think they need?

This left me in a confused state of mind for Christmas. I felt a need to go about this Christmas completely different. So I downplayed the glamour and the typical traditions. There were fewer presents and I did not even send out Christmas cards (the first time in 25 years). I spent more time one on one with those that I love, gave out more hugs and spent time thinking about all that I am grateful for. I thanked God for providing for each and every one of us and most of all for birth of Christ as a reminder of what is most important in life; giving to others.

Pink Slips

2008-12-07T12:10:00.000-08:00

These are tough times. For me it is the toughest time I have been through. I have always said that being your own boss is great because you have control over your destiny. This is true since I have yet to receive a pink slip. However, I will be honest and tell you that there are days that I wish I would find a big shiny pink slip in my mailbox. If you are a true believer in everything happens for a reason, a pink slip just could be that kick you need to change.

So if you are in charge of your own pink slip how do you come to the conclusion that change has come your way and it is time to embrace it? Two years ago when I was looking at the change that was imminent in the mortgage and real estate business I began to prepare. It was time to downsize and trim expenses. My real estate team was prepared for the storm. So we thought.

The year 2008 brought the ultimate financial storm. The mortgage industry came to a halt. Foreclosures began to show their ugly face. The stock market took the ride down faster then anyone could imagine. These events are not going to leave anyone unscathed. The unemployment numbers are just starting to rise. I have watched my peers leave the industry in staggering numbers. I even lost a friend in the mortgage industry to a heart attack. The phone rarely rings and days become longer and lonelier. But still no pink slip for me.

Is it time to wave the white flag? Is the real estate industry coming back anytime soon? Do I need to write my own pink slip? This is the time that we all need examine who we are, what skills we have, where our hearts are currently and what direction it wants us to follow.

I have spent countless hours reflecting and it has not all been torture. I have taken time to enjoy my husbands travel benefits. I have spent hours driving from Salt Lake City to Las Vegas and then to Los Angeles. I just got back from spending time on the beach alone. It is important for me to go into the holiday season with some sense of direction. I am writing today to tell you that I will not be writing my pink slip. I have 15 years experience in the real estate industry. I have been fortunate to get a very wide range of experience within the industry. I am passionate about helping people. I know that home is where the heart is. Whether that home is temporary or permanent and whether it is for your family or your business. My skills and values make this job of being a real estate advisor perfect for me. Yes change is inevitable. The real estate and mortgage industries have changed and will never resemble what any of us had come accustom to. Things seem to be settling down or it just may be the eye of the storm. Either way my heart is telling me loud and clear that I will be riding the storm out. I am prepared for it to look different and I am excited for the opportunity to embrace change outside of my control. Whether you have received a pink slip or not, this is the time that we get to practice asking for and giving help at the same time getting a lesson in letting go and reaching for faith. It is a time for us to remember where we came from. We are Americans. Obstacles and hardship is what we were born of. As you go in to the holiday season be grateful for all that you have received, even if it was pink.

Finding Your Way Back Home Where Your Heart Is

2008-12-01T06:55:00.000-08:00

Since starting "Messages for Women" I have been pleasantly suprised with the men in my life wanting to help. I am not sure if it is simply the fact that it is for women only, thus the elimination of them makes them want to be involved. Or the fact that if women help each other, a certain amount of responsibility to fill our needs will be released from them, providing a sense of relief.

One of my closest male friends and I got into an interesting conversation just the other day. He indicated that he sees my initiative as a way to get back to basics of traditional roles that men and women have that are based on our inherent natural skills and desires. After a few minutes of discussion we concluded that men are born naturally to provide and protect. And women are born to connect and nuture. He went on to say that he really wants to receive that female nurturing and connection and really has the desire to provide and protect. He has been looking for it his whole life and is having a difficult time finding a women who is open to receiving it. He also went on to say that he is always willing support and encourage (which he does for me) women to have meaningful careers and that does not need to change the natural difference between how men and women show love. I do agree that men can love but do show it much differently. He may be on to something (by the way ladies he is single).

What I am hung up on is whether most men want to show their love through providing and protecting. I realize that it just may be my experience. Most of the men in my life (from my father to my current husband) up until recently have not shown this desire. After spending Thanksgiving with my 18 year old son I just might have seen some natural instincts come out that might prove me wrong. This is the first year that he has come to visit versus living in my home. He is now a man. I felt some changes in him. I can feel his desire to provide and protect through the change in his priorities and by what he is needing from me. He asked me to teach him to cook. He asked if I wanted some chocolate ice cream and wanted to stop at the store to bring it home for us. He asked several times what our plans were and was eager to help. He is no longer shy about hugs and "I love you's" (even in front of his friends-well except for writing on his wall in Facebook-off limits for me). He has always had a soft heart so this is not a surprise. It just seems to have presented itself openly so quickly.

So maybe my friend is correct. Men do naturally want to provide and protect. And maybe over the last 50 years; during women's bra burning, bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan, has left men confused. Maybe I have not experienced the giving of this desire in men in my life because I was too busy to receive it??

So the question we must ask ourself, "How do we support men in finding their way back home to where their heart is?" For me I am getting back to basics and natural instincts; connecting and nurturing.

I am sorry I burned my bra

2008-11-24T19:19:00.000-08:00

The other day an amazing friend of mine shared this story. A couple years ago she decided to give the mortgage business a shot. Yes, a tough time to start given what was just beginning to happen in the industry, but she was determined to give it all she had. She had been struggling for a few months getting business generated along with handling the learning curve. Like most of us women she was determined to do it all, successful new career, supporting wife and phenomenal mother. One morning she had to drag herself to work. She had been up most of the night with her sick daughter. Instead of taking the day off, she was determined to build this new business so off she went with bags under her eyes. Within a couple hours a coworker, a generation older, made her way to her desk. She interrupted her and said, “I am sorry”. She preceded to say she was a feminist in the 60’s and burned her bra to put the women of today in this place and for that she is truly sorry.

My friend looked at me and said, “Are we suppose to believe it was the fault of the women before us?” I responded with a flat NO. We are evolving and that was an important era that was to happen exactly that way. What is most important is that we stop this phenomenon with our daughters. It is imperative that we show them that being a woman does not mean we do it all at the high price of losing ourselves. They do not have to live with the mantra: We bring home the bacon; we fry it up in a pan and never never let you forget you’re a man. When and where did we decide that our natural instinct to nurture was not enough? The answer is not important. What is important is that we do have breast and that whether you wear a bra or not does not define who we are. With the support of one Mother to another Mother, we can begin accepting our mind, bodies and spirit just as they are. Don’t you think the world could use some nurturing?

Supportive versus supporting

2008-11-17T12:25:00.001-08:00

I have been reflecting on the difference between these words and wondering how they relate to the relationship between women. First of all we as women know what being supportive is. The maternal nature that we vibrate is always supportive. We are supportive of are husbands (even when they may not deserve it). We are supportive of are co-workers. In general our dna creates this in us. Now let's look at the other word. The definition of the two are as follows:
Supporting: upholding, aiding, shielding, promoting
Supportive: furnishing support or assistance
These two words are indeed similar but very different. Being supporting provides an "in the moment" very hands out visual. Versus being supportive which is creates more of a "hands off" visual. Think about this when it comes to your children (which is why I did not include this above). We are way more then supportive to our children. We are supporting. Now that gives you a different visual and quite a different feeling (you can feel the weight in your shoulders and neck). And we also tend to be more supporting then supportive in our role with our aging parents. Necessarily so.
So maybe when you see the woman standing where you stood you hesitate to help. Could it be that we are so supporting in some relationships that we just do not have any energy left. And that being generally supportive is all that we have. Think about people in your life who have been supportive. Now think about people who might be supporting you. And finally maybe we tend to be shy to be actively supporting because we have a hard time accepting someone supporting us???
The other night I was at a function for my husband's work and I met a wife of one of his co-workers. She is also a real estate agent. We began exchanging stories of what we were going through. She said, "I have never been in a place where my husband has had to be supporting me financiall" and then she finished by, "I find it really uncomfortable". Wow! It was like she was the voice in my head coming out of her mouth. Ouch. I think I found out why I have been feeling a sense of desparation. After all these years of supporting others maybe I need to accept that it is time for me to allow others to give the same.
Any thoughts out there?

THE INVISIBLE WOMAN

2008-11-12T20:31:00.000-08:00

It make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way the kids will walk into the room while I'm in the throws of dinner and ask if I know where their math book is. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm making dinner?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm cooking, or doing laundry, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you bring my shoes to school? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm an expert at the rights of Americans to ask, how do I fill out an absentee ballot?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied math and the mind that was the first out of 40+ cousins to graduate from college from my father’s side - but now they had disappeared into the Thanksgiving turkey, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!

If you have traveled Europe you know there are great cathedrals that took so long to build that the original people who started them were not the same that finished them. Can you imagine building such greatness and knowing that you will not get anything in your lifetime in return? Some of these historic buildings have no records as to who actually built them. These builders gave their whole lives for work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was produced by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction but it is not a disease. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

I don't want my child to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 6 in the morning and makes my lunch, and then she washes the clothes and cleans the house.' That would mean I'd built a shrine to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you’re gonna love it there.'

As women, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Leadership a man's way - Is it the right way?

2008-11-09T19:38:00.000-08:00

In my quest to empower women to help other women through inspirational messages (my goal 500 in 30 days so please help) I have had great learning about women through men (yes I said men). I just returned from a weekend with friends in New York. I had the opportunity to meet a wonderful couple who shared their story openly. A very unlikely couple at first glance but after learning their story you very quickly realized their common bond, which was the power of intention. She an exotic beauty that is passionate about empowering young women through some very interesting initiatives along with being a very talented musician, and he a very prominent attorney with an office in the Empire State building (best way to tour the building). I had the opportunity for a one on one conversation with him regarding women and the lack of support amongst strong successful business women. We had ended up on a discussion about leadership. We got there through discussing women in politics (Hilary Clinton to be exact) and ended up with the question of why women are hesitant to support other women in attaining powerful leadership positions. His perspective was that the current leadership model in the US was created by predominantly white men and women for some reason think they have to use that model to attain leadership positions. He went on to add that his felt women could bring amazing things to the idea of leadership if they only focused on using their true essence. So what innate skills to women have that would add tremendous value to the current leadership model developed by men? My first thoughts are of multi tasking skills. It is widely accepted that women have the ability to multi task much more easily then men. My second thought is compassion. Yes women have a sense of compassion for community that lends itself to excellent team building. And finally we can not leave out the natural ability to nurture. My question to for us to consider is had our country been lead by a leadership model that had these skills that are inherent in women along with what traditionally is thought of as true leadership skills, what might our country look like today. And my final question is what can we as women do today to become leaders using our true essence versus assuming that we must conform to the leadership models of the past? Give today by sending a message of inspiration to women. Just click on the image to the right. Thank you for making a difference.

Sow Sparingly Reap Sparingly Sow Generously Reap Generously

Being the Right Person

2008-11-06T09:27:00.000-08:00

How often have you heard someone say they are single because they have not found the right person? The relationship could work if I found the right partner. This is often how we think about relationships, whether it is a romantic relationship, business partner or simple friendships. What we are really saying is that we do not want to change. If someone is going to be in our life, they have to fit us. Is this truly possible? Do we really want someone that is exactly what we want that fits us and we do not fit them? I heard this great statement a few weeks back and I have been using it daily. Here is goes: It is not as much about finding the right person, as it is about being the right person in a relationship. Wow! Now that means something totally different. Next time you are frustrated with how someone in your life it acting. Turn it around and say, "Am I being the right person in this relationship?” Is what I am hoping for from them something that I do? I can guarantee you that this will make you see the other person’s behavior much differently. We often fantasize about perfect relationships. This is great. Dream on. However, ask yourself who someone needs to be in this "perfect" relationship and are you acting that way? You have to be the right person in a relationship before you can see it in someone else. That may not change the other person. They may not be the right person. But I can guarantee that if you practice being the right person the other half will show up and your dreams then will come true. Try this exercise (and then make a list of your own).

Instead of: Replace with:

I want a best friend I am a best friend
I want to be loved I am loving
I want to be respected I am respectful
I want to be valued I value others
I want to be thanked I express thanks to others
I want to be hugged I give hugs generously

The Ego Talks the Heart Walks

2008-11-05T05:49:00.000-08:00

Today will go down in history. Yesterday the people of American spoke. We are all created equal. Each of us will mark that day our own way on our own life timeline. For me my son's first time voting changed the course of history. His vote counted. On a very personal level my life was also touched directly. My new initiative "Messages for Women" began. On that day I received my first message from a woman who wants to inspire another woman (click to the right to give an inspirational message to another woman today).
So what is now in store for our country? What is in store for each of us? Was it enough to vote for change and not do anything else? People are talking about "The Shift". We even heard those exact words on the TV networks last night. It has begun. The ego lost. The heart won. Enough of people talking about what to do but doing nothing. Now our work begins. Each and every one of us has a huge responsibility to do something everyday for change. There are no excuses as to why we can't. I encourage you to start today. Do one thing that will change someone's life. Every action from the heart is extraordinary. You are extraordinary give today. Barak Obama represents us but will not do it for us. Never forget his words, "yes WE can".

Friends For Life

2008-11-04T19:42:00.000-08:00

Have you ever declared a female friendship? Really asked another woman to be your friend? Ten years ago I was really missing female kinship. I was in the mist of running a real estate and mortgage company. Most of my peers were men and at my office I kept my relationships arms length (at that time in my life I believed that business and personal was better not to be mixed). I was attending a business seminar and was sitting next to a guy who I had just met. Over break he mentioned a friend of his from San Francisco. He said that I reminded him of her. He went on to say that she had mentioned to him that she was looking to meet women that she could be friends with (not necessarily just business). He asked if I was interested. Being from conservative Minnesota this type of directness threw me a little. At my age do you really ask someone to be your friend? Well I was looking for a woman friend that I could connect with too. So I agreed. He said, "Great she will be waiting at the woman's restroom during break". And he went on to describe her as a fun, smart "wine” gal (she was married into a vineyard family in Sonoma). It was as if he was selling me on the idea of being her friend. It felt very deliberate. I liked a fine glass of wine so what the heck.
I did meet her at the restroom during break and we connected immediately. We both committed to each other to be friends right there on the spot. Friendships with women for me had always just been assumed. Instead of committing you tolerated. That day we both wanted the same thing, friends for life. This friendship has made me realize that committed intimate relationships are not necessarily romantic. Most women expect the majority of their needs to be filled by a man. Is that realistic? During the past 10 years she and I have been there for each other through divorce, birth of children, marriage ups and downs, business woes and opportunities (oh and a few glasses of wine) and the gratitude that I have for the guy who introduced us is enormous. The feeling of comfort I have when I think of the having someone there who understands me has given me strength that I had missed in my life prior to meeting her. I owe a huge thank you to the "wine" gal who had the courage to ask for a friend. Thanks for being in my life Gina. I love you.

Why Women End up Alone

2008-11-03T06:50:00.001-08:00

Did you know that if you and your male spouse are the same age you have 93% chance to out live him. And do you know that you will out live him by 13 years. This statistic has been sitting on my mind since I first heard it 3 years ago. I look at myself, my Mother and numerous friends and wonder what it will look like. And the alarming thing is how we all live our lives every day without planning for that. I once heard the statement, "men are not a financial plan". OK I get that. But what do we do about it? I also ask myself about the emotional as well as the physical aspect of that outcome. Do we have the emotional support group we need when this happens? Where are we going to live? Are we going to live alone? Is that financially feasible? What I do know after visiting countless senior housing facilities, women out number men in the later years of life 10 to 1. I have great vision as to what is possible. However this has to be done with our input as women and the sooner the better. I would love to hear your thoughts. Please don't be shy.

What are we really afraid of?

2008-11-02T09:08:00.001-08:00

I just read an email from a friend that was asking to watch a video on Obama. The video was of an attorney explaining why Obama can not run for President because he is not a natural born citizen. The overall concept was descrepencies on his birth certificate. Yes if you involve a lawyer they can prove almost anything. So here is a statistic for you:

The difference between China and the US.
The top two layers of government in China consist of approximately 24 of which approximately 21 are engineers. Hence the innovations and growth that China is experiencing.
The top to layers of government in the US are 100% attorneys.
Hence why the US is stuck.

This drives fear in others because the thought is that the attorneys have all the answers. There is no reason to fear change. It will happen whether we resist it or not. And it is just the beginning. Reach inside your heart versus listening to this rhetoric.

And you can be assured that this change we will be experiencing between now and 2012 has VERY LITTLE to do with the election. The time is perfect for the shift of operating from the left side of the brain (ego) to the left side (devine love). All the attorney in the US won't be able to stop this. The future is bright.

Lipstick Jungle

2008-11-01T17:32:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered why shows like Sex and The City, Desparate Housewives and the latest Lipstick Jungle are so popular for women? I have seen them all. Sometimes I giggle. Sometimes I cry. And sometimes I say "what a waste of time this show is". But I always go back to watching. It is not about sex. It is not about a city? It is not about being desparate. And it is most definately not about lipstick. The truth is there is a connection between these women that we all crave. The feeling that we are there for one another through all of lives challenges and successes. It is this feeling of connectedness and empathy we crave. And often think we will get from men. When you think logically about connectedness through empathy how can a man really understand. The are simply wired differently so their experiences are vastly different.

A girlfriend the other day was complaining about a friend of hers and how she is always picking the wrong men and thinking they will solve all her problems. I call it the knight in shining armor phenomenon. So where do we get this fantasy that our fairy prince will support, love, understand and honor us forever? We can definately attribute some of it to Disney. However, some of it just may be DNA. I have been very deliberate in raising my daughter with a sense of reality when it comes to relationships. Some may even think alittle to much allowing her to grow up too fast. My desire is that she is realistic in intimate relationships. She has experienced divorce. I have been open with her regarding my challenges in my current marriage. She is not naive. But at the end of the day she believes in Cinderella and believes that she too while meet her prince. And who am I to diminish her dream? How do you tell her that love is not black or white? How do I explain that you need to have different types of love? But most of all (since I have not been very successful at it) how do I share with her the importance of female life long connectedness and the sharing of lives lessons. There is a place for romantic love but it is not the only love we need. My true wish for her is to live a life that has experienced the fullness and richness of unconditional friendships with girlfriends.
Friends are forever.
Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, Samantha, Susan, Lynette, Bree, Gabby, Nico, Wendy and Victory

Lady in the Park

2008-10-31T09:18:00.000-07:00

The other evening I was at happy hour with some friends having a glass of wine (well OK it ended up to be several). A new woman walked in and joined us. She came to the table with a sigh of relief from what obviously was a crazy day. She proceeded to tell us about a lady she met in the park. She had seen this women two previous times and this woman had seemed to want to talk to her. She was a pleasant women with a nice smile but with a deep sadness in her eyes. She explained that she was afraid to speak to the woman of fear of opening a can of worms. Today the can had opened. The woman proceeded to cry and admit to her husband leaving her for a much younger woman. As she continued telling the story I started to drift. I had done the same thing over the years. I had stood where another women was standing and I did not offer to help. Even when my heart was telling me differently. Over the years I had experienced women who had stood where I was standing I deliberately did not help. Why was this? Why do woman not help other women. Is it that we do not have time? Is it a competitive thing with our children? Or worse yet our significant others? Then my thoughts went to the presidential campaign (hard not to these days). Would Hilary have been nominated if more women along her journey had offered a hand for her to reach for? Did she really have to marry someone who would become President to get up the ladder? My heart felt pain. I think that if she had had more support from her fellow sisters she would possible be running for President. If anything you can be sure she would be in a different place. I turned to the group and asked them if there is anything we can do collectively to help our fellow women? That evening "Messages for Women" was born. On my drive home the voice in my head said, "what are you waiting for?". There is a woman waiting in the park for your hand.

What are you waiting for?

2008-10-30T09:39:00.001-07:00

Since we are on the subject of death I want to share a story about my close friend Julie. Julie passed away June 6, 2006. Julie was the age I am now, 44. Julie and I had known each for years. She was the girlfriend that you have while you are raising children. We were pregnant with our first babies together. We worked together at the time so being pregnant together we ate together. And we were fortunate for our pregnancies were great and we loved to eat. We would each bring 3 bag lunches and still buy snacks throughout the day. Time passed we had more children and they grew up. We went through not only child bearing ages but career changes together and had each other to go through the typical challenges one faces during that time of a women's life. It was a perfect for both of us. We understood each other. We knew the pressures on our time and made no pressures on each other for more time then we had to give. We were just there with total empathy for one another. Julie was diagnosed with lung cancer two years prior to her death. And we went through that together. We would continue to meet for lunch and eat (when her chemo would allow her to) and then shop after looking for the latest fashionable scarf she could buy to hide her beautiful soft head. She had beautiful skin which is a blessing when losing your hair. She fought her lung cancer like a soldier. After the long year and a half battle she won lung cancer. Unfortunately December of 2005 she was diagnosed with a canerous brain tumor. I was convinced that she could and should fight again. I arranged to take her to Mexico to a holistic clinic. Within a couple weeks of making the plans she called and said that the doctors were giving her strong indications of hope and that she would not need to go. I believed her or maybe I was in denial. What I did not know then what I found out later was that she knew the severity of the situation and chose to live the balance of her life with quality. On April 14th Julie and I met for lunch and golf (another activity that we enjoyed together). We had a great day. When we were done I was helping her load her clubs and she said, "Sue what are you waiting for?". I was thrown off guard somewhat as I did not know what she was referencing. I assumed it was regarding the romantic relationship that I was in. I had received an engagement ring a couple months prior from my boyfriend and within the previous few days he had called it off as far as a specific timeframe. Julie passed 7 weeks later. She left me the gift of her voice in my head saying "what are you waiting for?. What I realize since is that it did not have to do with a romantic relationship it had to do with life. There is not a day that goes by where my fears jump in and try to limit me. And then I go to the gift Julie left me and ask myself, "what are you waiting for?". I miss Julie terribly. And what I miss most is the kinship shared between two women. There is the understanding and comfort that you get from another woman that has stood where you stand. The one thing I have always had a hard time understanging my whole life is why women do not give to women, like Julie and I did, more. Why is it that I do not have a dozen Julie's today? What am I waiting for?????

What Defines You?

2008-10-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I attended a funeral of a close business associate. His name was Dan. Dan was in the mortgage business. I was technically employed by Dan since he held my mortgage license. I had known Dan for almost 2 years. What I loved about Dan was his great smile and the generousity and sincerety behind the smile. I saw Dan every Monday in my business networking group. As you know the mortgage industry as all but collapsed and the real estate industry is in the same state. No matter how bad things seemed, Dan was not going to let the negative energy pull him down. I considered his energy my lifeline to get through this crisis. He passed away on October 16th. The Saturday prior he rode 35 miles on his bike (a regular routine). He died in his sleep from a clogged artery. The priest at the funeral said that because Dan was such a giving person and we loved taking from him that we clogged his artery. My first reaction was to stand up and scream that the mortgage industry did it. But obviously I restrained myself. I reminded myself that the blame game has to stop and start with me. As I listened to the rest of the service I found out who Dan really was. There were very few people there in comparison the to total (which was alot since the large church was full) that had anything to do with what Dan did Monday through Friday during the days. What I found out that Dan had another life outside of work. He was know for volunteering for any initiative that had to do with housing and feeding the homeless. He was known to go down to the harshest parts of Minneapolis and pick up the homeless and hungry and bring them home. There were people in the audience that has sincere gratitude for what he had done for them. I thought about my own funeral. If I passed today my funeral would more than likely have lots of attendees (I do know alot of folks) however who would they be? I can tell you that the majority would be through the real estate and mortgage business. Do is what I do defining who I am? What Dan did for a living did not define who he was. I have always thought that by not marketing my name and my photo on bus benches that I would avoid this. Well I believe I was wrong. Who I am today is defined by what I do. So the question is what am I going to do about it going forward? Dan had just turned 60 so he did have some years on me so the postive thing is I can accomplish this over the next dozen years. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Christmas Shopping

2007-11-24T19:27:00.000-08:00

Hello. My name is Sue Marshall. I am a baby baby boomer. My journey I have come to call the journey of the inbetweener. I am the youngest of a group of Americans that are the largest in number and the most wealthy. This group will push the median age into the senior category. By 2011 over 50% of all households in this country will be headed by someone over 50. We have consumed more then any other generation, created definitions for "anti aging" and just recently took on global warming (guilt trip). The purpose of this blog is to have a glimpse into the life of someone who has consumed without guilt and who is now committed to bridging the gap between the boomers and the next generation. With the hopes of leaving this world in better shape than it was upon entering it. It is a difficult task and requires daily guidance from the one person that has always looked after me. With his love I will make a difference.
For the first time in my life I joined the millions of Americans who do the day after Thanksgiving shopping experience. They call this the busiest shopping day, I call it the green eyed monster day. I had nothing special in mind. Did not even go through the ads. I went to assist my daughter as purely a spectator with the credit card. Can you imagine 6:00 am and the lines to check out (yes check out since stores opened at 4:00am) were already around the inside of a LARGE department store. My thoughts watching people buy was where does all the junk go that is replaced by all the new stuff? Can we recycle most of this? Are there people who would look at our old stuff as new and gladly use it? Why do we make things that are obsolete within a few years? Any thoughts out there?

Welcome to my Blog

2007-11-05T17:10:00.000-08:00

Each day is truly a new adventure and often holds surprises unforseen at the start. It is through these experiences that life derives it's richness.

As I journey through the experiences and learn many of the great lessons in store, I will share the little seeds of wisdom I gain with you through this blog.

I invite you to share your thoughts, comments, feedback and questions. You can also get more information including published articles and links to helpful resources at www.suemarshallonline.com

Enjoy!